You may have heard by now (and if not, SPOILER ALERT) that there was a tragic death on the last night’s premiere of “The Simpsons.” Rabbi Hyman Krustofski, on-and-off estranged father to Krusty the Clown, has left us for the magical shul in the sky known as “Jewish Heaven.” He was 74 years old.
Voiced by comedian Jackie Mason, Rabbi Krustofski was born and raised in the Lower East Side of Springfield (state still unknown). There, he raised a son, Herschel Shmoikel Pinchas Yerucham Krustofski — better known by his chain-smoking children’s entertainer persona, Krusty the Clown.
Like many a father before him, Krustofski’s dreams of his son following in the family business were dashed when Krusty expressed his desire to become a clown. Unable to accept his son’s decision, Hyman disowns his son and the two are estranged for many years.
(Fun fact: Jackie Mason is descended from a long line of rabbis, and broke with tradition to become an entertainer.)
It takes the combined efforts to Bart and Lisa Simpson to reconcile father and son. In 2003’s “Today I am a Clown” Krusty decides to have a midlife bar mitzvah. Hyman is thrilled — until Krusty, perpetual attention-whore, decides to televise the event in a comback bid.
“Krusty the Klown’s Wet ‘n’ Wild Bar Mitzvah” is a big hit, but Krusty decides to salvage his relationship with Hyman by having a second, more meaningful bar mitzvah at Temple Beth Springfield.
Hyman also appeared in “Once Upon a Time in Springfield,” in which he was to preside over Krusty’s 15th wedding to co-host Princess Penelope. Ultimately, the ceremony gets called off, but not before Rabbi Krustofski slips in an intermarriage joke:
“Friends, loved ones,” he says “we are gathered here today to marry a Jew and — a Congregationalist? Is that even a thing?”
Last year, “Simpsons” producer Al Jean mentioned that a character would die in the season opener. “I’ll give you a clue that the actor playing the character won an Emmy for playing that character, but I won’t say who it is,” he said. Mason won an Emmy for playing Krustofski in 1992.
As befits any Jewish patriarch, Krustofski died mid-sentence, guilt-tripping his son; his last words to Krusty were: “If you want to know my honest opinion of you, you’ve always been… eh.”
This week marks the season premiere of “Saturday Night Live,” which is entering its 40th season. Happy birthday guys! To mark the occasion, we’ve assembled a list of our 10 all-time favorite Jewish moments on SNL (they’re like butter, so good Coffee Talk and Hanukkah Harry didn’t make the cut):
Gilda Radner scores as Emily Litella on a Chevy Chase-hosted Weekend Update segment, with her classic talking-head rant trying to figure out what all the fuss is about over Soviet Jewelry.
Best line: “Save Soviet jewelry?! Where are we going to put it? I say keep it over THERE, with all their ballet dancers!”
Meet Evan, a 6-year-old from a broken home who frequents Benihana and communicates entirely via Borscht Belt jokes.
Best line, delivered to the chef: “I love your showmanship but careful with those knives, you’re giving me flashbacks to my bris. I don’t know if I should clap or cover my shmeckle!”
Attention, suit-lovers — this one’s for you.
According to Vanity Fair, Lena Dunham will be producing an HBO documentary about Bindle & Keep, the Jewish owned and Brooklyn-based bespoke tailoring company whose custom suits and shirts have drawn a following in the transgender community.
“Three Suits” will follow Bindle & Keep clients as they go through the process of having their custom suits made, while “examining the significance of the process for a set of customers with complex gender identities.”
“We were totally blown away when Lena’s team first reached out to us—the art we practice is so specialized that it was hard to believe heavy hitters were taking an interest,” Bindle & Keep founder and owner Daniel Friedman told Vanity Fair.
Dunham’s “Girls” co-showrunner Jenni Konner will also be producing.
Curious? Read the Forward’s Q&A with Daniel Friedman here.
Every year, a great day dawns on Middle Earth. I’m speaking of course, of September 22 — Hobbit Day, for those who didn’t grow up on a steady diet of tales of rings, angry wizards, and small creatures with big feet.
According to “The Hobbit” and “Lord of the Rings,” both Bilbo and Frodo Baggins are said to be born on September 22, though on different years (Bilbo in the year of 2890 and Frodo in the year 2968 in the Third Age — yes, I looked it up. This is, sadly, not knowledge I carry in my brain at all times).
In addition to celebrating two of the Shire’s most adventurous citizens, Hobbit Day also launches Tolkien Week, celebrated every year since it was launched in 1978 by the American Tolkien Society.
Which brings us to the Jewish connexion. No, Frodo and Bilbo are not secret Jews (believe me, I tried to make that theory work). And as Seth Rogovoy pointed out in his review of “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey”: “Sometimes, a bearded, money-grubbing dwarf is just a bearded, money-grubbing dwarf and not an evil, anti-Semitic stand-in for Jews.”
But J.R.R. Tolkien, creator of Middle Earth, Elvish, Sauron and the One Ring, was something of a Judeophile. When asked to provide verification of his Aryan status for a German publisher that wanted to put out a German translation of his work, Tolkien refused:
“I regret that I am not clear as to what you intend by arisch. I am not of Aryan extraction: that is Indo-Iranian; as far as I am aware noone (sic) of my ancestors spoke Hindustani, Persian, Gypsy or any related dialects. But if I am to understand that you are enquiring whether I am of Jewish origin, I can only reply that I regret that I appear to have no ancestors of that gifted people.”
Describing the incident to a friend, he wrote:
“Do I suffer this impertinence because of the possession of a German name, or do their lunatic laws require a certificate of arisch origin from all persons of all countries?… Personally I should be inclined to refuse to give any Bestatigung [confirmation] (although it happens that I can), and let a German translation go hang. In any case I should object strongly to any such declaration appearing in print. I do not regard the (probable) absence of all Jewish blood as necessarily honourable; and I have many Jewish friends, and should regret giving any colour to the notion that I subscribed to the wholly pernicious and unscientific race-doctrine.”
And so, on this most auspicious of days, we here at the Forward wish Frodo and Bilbo Baggins a very happy birthday! (Pro-tip: If you want to celebrate in a quiet and non-life threatening way, maybe make sure Gandalf’s invite gets lost on the way)
Kate Hudson and Goldie Hawn have a very special talent — and it’s not acting.
Apparently, the Jewish mother-daughter duo spend quality time together interacting with ghosts.
The subject came up during an interview with British talk show host Alan Carr, set to air later tonight. Here are a couple of soundbites (via The Independent):
Me and my mum Goldie can see dead people,” said a dead pan Hudson.
“It is not really seeing, it is feeling a spirit; a fifth energy.”
“I believe in energy. I believe our brains can manifest into visual things.”
Cue the “Sixth Sense” memes.
Arrr ye ready? September 19 is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Aye aye! To celebrate, we’ve rounded up some of the most fearsome Jews ever to sail the seas.
Thar be more than ye think.
This French-American pirate, who sailed the Gulf of Mexico in the early 19th century, claimed Jewish ancestry through his grandparents in a journal entry. When the United States passed the Embargo Act of 1807, prohibiting American trade with England France, he smuggled tobacco and sugar into New Orleans.
Fueled by a thirst for revenge for the Spanish Inquisition, this Sephardic pirate helped plan one of the biggest pilferages against Spain. In 1628, Henriques and Dutch West India Co. Admiral Piet Hein, boarded a number of ships loaded with gold and silver from the New World off the coast of Cuba. The total haul was worth approximately $1 billion USD in today’s currency. According to the Jewish Journal, Henriques was never caught, and founded his own pirate colony on an island off the coast of Brazil. When the Portuguese reconquered Brazil, Henriques fell in with Henry Morgan, one of the most ruthless privateers ever to sail along the Spanish Main.
Another Sephardic pirate — sensing a trend? Born in Spain, Sinan Reis and his family fled the Inquisition and settled in Ottoman-ruled ruled Smyrna (now Izmir, Turkey), where he sailed as a Barbary corsair under the famed admiral Hayreddin Barbarossa. His victory at the 1538 Battle of Preveza earned him the nickname “Great Jew” by the Spanish. Reis later become Supreme Ottoman naval commander. He is buried in Jewish cemetery in Albania.
No one can rock the Puffy Shirt pirate look quite like Jerry Seinfeld. We’ll let him explain how he feels about it:
Move over, Alicia Florrick — another badass lady is coming to “The Good Wife.”
Activist and author Gloria Steinem will be making a cameo appearance on the show’s sixth season, The Hollywood Reporter reports.
Steinem will play herself and face-off with Julianna Margulies’ character in the third episode of the upcoming season.
Season six promised to be one of the most star-heavy in the show’s history: David Hyde Pierce, Taye Diggs, Steven Pasquale and Connie Nielsen are also set to make appearances. Previous seasons have seen guest stars like Bill Maher, former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg and current NYC mayor Bill de Blasio.
Steinem, a “Good Wife” fan, has only made two other cameos, including one in the “The First Wives Club” in 1996 and on a 1995 episode of “The Larry Sanders Show.”
In an appearance on Wednesday’s “Live! With Kelly and Michael”, Margulies admitted that that she was starstruck when she ran into Steinem on set. “I made a fool of myself and then had to email her and had to apologize,” she admitted.
Don’t worry Julianna — everyone is a fool where Gloria Steinem is concerned.
Melissa Rivers, the only daughter of legendary comedian Joan Rivers, who died two weeks ago following complications from an outpatient throat procedure, said her mother would have been overwhelmed by the depth of love people have shown for her.
In her first statement since Rivers’ death on Sept. 4, Melissa and her teenage son, Cooper, thanked fans for the many cards, flowers, messages and condolences they have received from around the world and through social media.
“We are forever grateful for your kindness and support in continuing to honor my mother’s legacy, and for remembering the joy and laugher that she brought to so many,” she said in a message posted on the website WhoSay.
Rivers, 81, was rushed to a New York hospital on Aug. 28 after she stopped breathing during a procedure at a Manhattan clinic. She was put on life support and died a week later.
The cause of her death is still unknown pending further tests and the State Department of Health is investigating Yorkville Endoscopy, the client where she was treated.
Rivers, who was known for her raspy voice, classic put downs and numerous cosmetic surgeries, was a pioneer for women in comedy. During a career that spanned more than 50 years, she worked as a comedy sketch writer, stand-up comedian, actress, talk show host and reality TV star.
More recently she hosted the cable TV show “Fashion Police,” commenting on the red carpet choice of Hollywood celebrities. Melissa Rivers will take part in special tribute show on Friday honoring her mother.
“Fashion Police: Celebrating Joan,” a 90-minute show, will include behind-the-scenes footage of Rivers and cast members and outtakes with celebrity guests.
Mayim, Mayim, Mayim.
In a post written for her personal blog on Kveller, Mayim Bialik has disavowed the frosty fairytale and instant cult classic that captured all our hearts this year. Yes — Mayim Bialik hates “Frozen.”
In “Why My Sons and I Hate the Movie ‘Frozen,’ the “Big Bang Theory” star and (former) favorite Jewess explains her reasons. Here they are below, with some added commentary by yours truly:
1) The Lack of Female Agency
Sure, it’s sort of hidden, but the search for a man/love/Prince is still the reigning plot line in the movie, as it is with pretty much all movies for young people which are animated. The sister’s desire to marry this guy she just met, and the other sister getting mad at her — we still have a plot about the identification of a woman being based on her desire and search to meet a man … I’ve had just enough already with this finding a man business in most every kids’ movie.”
OK. Fair enough, the plot ends on a love story. But the reason that “Frozen” has garnered such positive praise is that the search for a man plays is secondary to the love between two strong-willed and powerful sisters. Being awkward, impatient, waking up with drool on your face — these are all seen as endearing (and just, well normal) aspects of life that a girl should embrace rather than hide. Anna is every girl who has made a bad decision about a man. It’s only fair that she gets her happy ending at the end.
While I don’t love the fact that there has to be a love interest in just about every movie for it to be profitable, it’s not something that will just suddenly disappear overnight. “Frozen” is one step on that path.
“What happens in Frozen? The Prince/hero turns out to be a scheming villain. He pretended to love her and then he double crosses her and she gets the lesson taught to her not to trust those nasty scheming conniving men. Because you know, men can’t be trusted? Meh.
So, just so I understand — we’re upset that the movie centers around finding a man but also outraged that said man turns out to be an a**hole? Telling young girls that not every Prince Charming that glances their way will turn out to be that great seems like a reasonable life lesson to me. That being said, let’s not forget Kristof, that shaggy, socially inept, adorable lug of a guy that Anna ends up with at the end. There is hope for all of us.
3) Absurdly tiny waists
“My biggest problem with this movie was the way the female characters are drawn and animated,” the 38-year-old star concluded. “The male characters look like cartoon men. They have some exaggerated features, sure. But by and large, they look like they have the proportions of human beings. Not so with our lead ladies. They have ginormous eyes. Like really ridiculously big. Teeny-tiny ski slope noses … Barbie doll proportions of their bodies in general: tiny waists, ample busts, and huge heads. They look like dolls. They don’t look like the same species as the male characters even! What’s up with that?!”
This one I can get behind. Disney princesses, much like Barbie, are known for their ridiculous proportions. Case-in-point: Princess Jasmine. How can she even breathe?
Well this is a new low.
It seems that Joan Rivers’ doctor took a selfie with the late comedian’s unconscious body while she was under anesthesia. The 81-year-old was at Manhattan’s Yorkville Endoscopy clinic for a scheduled endoscopy by gastroenterologist Dr. Lawrence Cohen. Once that procedure ended, a biopsy was done on Rivers’ vocal cords without her consent by another doctor, according to a source in the clinic. That procedure led to the heart attack that killed her.
Though Cohen has since been let go from the clinic, the doctor responsible for the biopsy has not yet been identified.
Teary-tributes are still pouring out for Rivers, who died on August 29. Just yesterday, Jerry Seinfeld revealed that Rivers was to be a guest on the new season of “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee”:
“I just came across this heartbreaking text on my phone from August 19th. I had asked Joan Rivers to be our lead guest on the new season of Comedians in Cars, and she was thrilled. Then we got a call saying she was going in for a medical procedure and needed to postpone.” He continued: “I would have loved to have shown another side of her. I wanted to tell her how much I admire all she had accomplished, especially in the latter stages of her career. She was one of the greats. I’ll miss her.”
Fellow comedian Billy Eichner, star of “Billy on the Street,” wrote a moving essay about Rivers in the September 19/26 of Entertainment Weekly:
I’ll remember going to Joan and Melissa’s Passover seder at Melissa’s house in L.A. last year. As she led us through the traditional Passover rituals, Joan sprinkled in a few jokes about Lady Gaga amid the Hebrew prayers. It’s important to note that this was the only seder I’d ever been to where waiters in black tie served you the matzo, and certainly the only one I’d ever been to where I was seated between Rod Stewart’s manager and Lesley Ann Warren.
Yesterday marked Barbara Streisand’s big return to the “Tonight Show.”
Why is this a big deal? Well, the last time Babs appeared on the show (with Johnny Carson as host), Kennedy was president, America had never heard of the Beatles and the Berlin Wall was still something new. In 1963, and the singer was just 21 years old, with two fresh grammies under her belt for her first album — “The Barbra Streisand Album.”
51 years later, the host is Jimmy Fallon, and Babs, well, is still very much Babs. The two celebrated Streisand’s new album, “Partners,” by singing a medley of duets, with Fallon channeling Elvis Presley, Blake Shelton and John Legend.
He even tried to sneak a kiss.
Check out the clip below:
Urban Outfitters has done it again. The (once) hip clothing giant took flack this week after listing an eyebrow-raising product for sale: a Kent State sweatshirt with a blood-spatter design.
The sweatshirt seems to be a poorly-conceived nod to the Kent State shootings of 1970, in which Ohio National Guardsmen opened fire on a crowd of students protesting the Vietnam war, killing four. Three of the students killed that day — Allison Krause, Sandra Scheuer, and Jeffrey Miller — were Jewish, and Kent State’s Hillel rabbi led early efforts to memorialize the shootings.
The price tag? Try $130.
As part of its “vintage” collection, Urban Outfitters only made one of the sweatshirts available for purchase on its website, and the item is currently listed as “sold out.” But that hasn’t stopped the criticism from rolling in.
Kent State University described the sweatshirt’s sale as “beyond poor taste” and invited Urban Outfitters’ executives to visit its campus memorial to the shootings, according to the Washington Post. The company has since apologized, but denied that the shirt was an allusion to the Kent State shootings.
This is not the first time Urban Outfitters has proven just how badly its staff needs sensitivity training. Black leaders condemned its 2003 parody of Monopoly, “Ghettopoly,” which included game cards that read, “You got yo whole neighborhood addicted to crack. Collect $50.” That same year, the clothing chain released a shirt with words, “Everyone loves a Jewish girl,” surrounded by dollar signs and shopping bags.
When I was in 5th grade, I had a deep dark secret. Upon turning 11, I fully expected to receive a letter by owl post, summoning me to join my class at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Judging by the picture Drake posted to Instagram this weekend, it seems I wasn’t the only one.
The Jewish Canadian rapper captioned this little gem: “Me at Hogwarts scheming on Hermoine #DrakeOMalfoy #CantStandMuggles”
But Drake — come on: It’s HerMIOne, not HerMOIne.
Swish and flick on out of here.
Mitch Winehouse with the statue of his daughter, singer Amy Winehouse // Getty Images
Amy Winehouse can once again be seen hanging around Camden, north London.
A life-size bronze statue of the late singer was unveiled on Sunday, three years after the Winehouse’s death from alcohol poisoning, on what would have been her 31st birthday.
Her father, Mitch Winehouse, called on all her fans to join in on the ceremony:
Amy statue unveiling 11am sharp. Sunday 14th September Stables market Camden. Come and join us.— mitch winehouse (@mitchwinehouse) September 13, 2014
The statue, designed by artist Scott Eaton, immortalizes Winehouse in a short, strapless dress, with a Star of David necklace around her neck, and a real red rose tucked into her signature beehive hairstyle.
“It’s a day of incredibly mixed emotions,” Mitch told The Guardian. “They don’t put statues up for people who are with us anymore so it reinforces the fact that physically she’s gone but spiritually she’ll never leave us. I feel sad, very, very sad. We shouldn’t be here but we are, this is the reality and we’ve just got to make the most of it. So this statue is part of making the most of it. Getting people to come here, spend some time with Amy and put a flower in her hair and remember her in a very positive way. That for me is wonderful.”
No one is immune to the lure of the Apple Watch. Not even Dr. Ruth.
The Jewish sex therapist took to Twitter to give potential customers a valuable piece of advice:
The Apple Watch can do a lot of things & so will be big distraction. Take it off before having sex!— Dr. Ruth Westheimer (@AskDrRuth) September 9, 2014
She’s not kidding. As Mic points out, people can’t seem to put down their mobile devices long enough for — well, you know:
A July 2013 survey of British women found that that 62% of women have interrupted sexual intercourse to check their cell phone. Some 48% of men admitted to doing the same.
A March 2014 survey by condom maker Durex found that 15% of those surveyed “would answer the phone or read a text while otherwise engaged in a sexual act.”
The same Durex survey found that 5% of British respondents admitted to browsing Facebook while having sex.
Listen to Dr. Ruth. She knows best.
Joan Rivers got the kind of glamorous send-off that only she could inspire. And like the best dramatic productions, it was a tear-jerker.
As we reported, the invitation-only service, held at New York City’s Emanu-El Temple on Sunday saw a procession of stars — including Hugh Jackman (who sang — of course.), Sarah Jessica Parker, Diane Sawyer, Barbara Walters, and Whoopi Goldberg — come to honor the late comedian.
Howard Stern’s incredibly raunchy eulogy has already made headlines — but now, the Hollywood Reporter reports that Joan’s daughter Melissa also spoke at the service, reading out a letter which will be published in an upcoming book, “A Letter to My Mom,” set for release in April.
Get those tissues ready…
I received the note that you slipped under my bedroom door last night. I was very excited to read it, thinking that it would contain amazing, loving advice that you wanted to share with me. Imagine my surprise when I opened it and saw that it began with the salutation, “Dear Landlord.” I have reviewed your complaints and address them below:
While I appreciate your desire to “upgrade” your accommodations to a larger space, I cannot, in good conscience, move [my 13-year-old son] Cooper into the laundry room. I do agree that it will teach him a life lesson about fluffing and folding, but since I don’t foresee him having a future in dry cleaning, I must say no.
Also, I know you are a true creative genius (and I am in awe of the depth of your instincts), but breaking down a wall without my permission is not an appropriate way to express that creativity. It is not only a boundary violation but a building-code violation as well. Additionally, the repairman can’t get here until next week, so your expansion plan will have to be put on hold.
Re: Your fellow “tenant” (your word), Cooper. While I trust you with him, it is not O.K. for you to undermine my rules. It is not O.K. that you let him have chips and ice cream for dinner. It is not O.K. that you let him skip school to go to the movies. And it is really not O.K. that the movie was Last Tango in Paris.
As for your taking his friends to a “gentlemen’s club,” I accepted your rationale that it was an educational experience for the boys — and you are right, he is the most popular kid in school right now — but I’d prefer he not learn biology from those “gentlemen” and their ladies, Bambi, Trixie and Kitten. And just because I yelled at you, I do not appreciate your claim that I have created a hostile living environment.
While I’m glad to see you’re socializing, you must refill the hot tub after your parties. In fact, you need to tone down the parties altogether. Imagine my surprise when I saw the photos you posted on Facebook of your friends frolicking topless in the hot tub.
I think it’s great that you’re entertaining more often, but I can’t keep fielding complaints from the neighbors about your noisy party games like Ring Around the Walker or naked Duck, Duck Caregiver.
I’m more than happy to have you use the house for social gatherings, but you cannot rent it out, advertise as “party central” or hand out T-shirts that say “F— Jimmy Buffett.”
In closing, I hope I have satisfactorily answered your complaints and queries. I love having you live with me, and I am grateful for every minute Cooper and I have with you. You are an inspiration. You are also 30 days late with the rent.
Sarah Silverman, looking like she’s hungry for an Emmy // Getty Images
By now, you may have heard that Chris Pratt will host the “Saturday Night Live” premiere on September 27.
Now, I loved “Guardians of the Galaxy,” as much as the next gal, but there’s another name on that host list that’s worth mentioning. I’m speaking, of course, about Sarah Silverman, who is returning to the SNL stage for first time since 1994.
Our favorite raunchy Jewess is set to host the season’s second episode, which will air October 4th. But wait a second, isn’t that night of Yom Kippur? (Uh oh)
Really Sarah? First a cross on W. Kamau Bell’s talk show, “Totally Biased,” and now this!
In all fairness, since SNL airs after sundown, she’s probably safe. But it should be interesting to see where the comedy goes after a whole day of fasting.
When he’s not watching “Downton Abbey” with Carl Reiner, Mel Brooks keeps busy by pranking future generations.
The comedian finally cemented his Hollywood legacy on Monday afternoon during the Hollywood Cement Ceremony outside Mann’s Chinese Theater (“Blazing Saddles!”). The event also marked the 40th anniversary of “Young Frankenstein.” Dressed as only Mel Brooks can be, in a white suit and floral tie, the 88-year-old wore a prosthetic finger on his left hand, proving that life imitates art.
Basically, 100 years from now, people will walk by and remark: “Wow, there’s Mel Brooks. He had 11 fingers, you know.” Genius Mel. Genius.
Brooks later tweeted about the event:
I desperately need to wash my hands. pic.twitter.com/fKVl4FyMFt— Mel Brooks (@MelBrooks) September 8, 2014
Mazel tov, Mel! Keep the laughs coming.
Noah ‘Noey’ Jacobson, 24, part owner and member of The Maccabeats, launched his solo career yesterday when he posted a medley covering Clean Bandits Rather Be and Nico & Vinz’s hit single “Am I Wrong.”
“I’ve been singing with the Maccabeats for five years,” he said. “At some point I said to myself, ‘I’m happiest when I’m on stage, when I’m engaging with an audience — why not consider pursuing music as a more serious option’”?
Jacobson’s cover is just a taste of what’s to come. “I have original music ready,” he said. His choice to release a cover as his first song was completely strategic. “I think it’s hard for the average listener to tap into original songs right away,” he said.
“I wanted to capitalize as much as possible on some people who might know me from Maccabeats, and show them, ‘Hey, come along for this ride, here’s a song you know and love.’”
In under twenty-four hours, the music video has already exceeded 1,600 hits.
This figure, impressive for any budding artist, is a bit of an adjustment for Jacobson. “It’s weird coming from Maccabeats where you’re guaranteed 100,000 views on basically anything you put out,” he admitted. “So it’s weird going back to rock bottom and trying to build up.”
“But that’s part of the fun, that challenge,” he added.
Some people fight with their fists. Some use their words. And others, like these bros from Oxford, Ohio’s Miami University Phi Tau fraternity, use a bag of bagels.
According to the Daily Dot, 6 of Phi Tau’s most upstanding gentlemen were in the middle of allegedly breaking into the house of campus rivals Kappa Alpha, when they were on camera by a local bouncer.
What followed may go down in history as the Great Bagel Caper of 2014 — or that time 6 frat bros chased a guy down the street beating him with a sleeve of frozen bagels.
The bouncer, one TriicepsBrah (!!!) took to Reddit to tell his side of the story:
They followed me for 3 blocks trying to grab me and get my phone. Said they would kill me trying to punch and smacking me with a bag of begals [sic] etc. After everything is over with my phone inconveniently runs out of power. So my boss plugs it into his computer and copied the video. We spoke to the owners of the house and it was clear that the video would be given to them as well as the cops.”
Guys, come on — that’s just a waste of good bagels. Make brunch, not war.
Watch the whole thing below. If anything, it’ll just make you glad you’re not in college anymore (NSFW — when frat boys use their words, things get ugly).