The Shmooze

4 Jewish Ways To Talk Like a Pirate

By Anne Cohen

Ahoy mateys!

Arrr ye ready? September 19 is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Aye aye! To celebrate, we’ve rounded up some of the most fearsome Jews ever to sail the seas.

Thar be more than ye think.

1) Jean Lafitte

This French-American pirate, who sailed the Gulf of Mexico in the early 19th century, claimed Jewish ancestry through his grandparents in a journal entry. When the United States passed the Embargo Act of 1807, prohibiting American trade with England France, he smuggled tobacco and sugar into New Orleans.


2) Moses Cohen Henriques

Fueled by a thirst for revenge for the Spanish Inquisition, this Sephardic pirate helped plan one of the biggest pilferages against Spain. In 1628, Henriques and Dutch West India Co. Admiral Piet Hein, boarded a number of ships loaded with gold and silver from the New World off the coast of Cuba. The total haul was worth approximately $1 billion USD in today’s currency. According to the Jewish Journal, Henriques was never caught, and founded his own pirate colony on an island off the coast of Brazil. When the Portuguese reconquered Brazil, Henriques fell in with Henry Morgan, one of the most ruthless privateers ever to sail along the Spanish Main.


3) The Great Jew

Another Sephardic pirate — sensing a trend? Born in Spain, Sinan Reis and his family fled the Inquisition and settled in Ottoman-ruled ruled Smyrna (now Izmir, Turkey), where he sailed as a Barbary corsair under the famed admiral Hayreddin Barbarossa. His victory at the 1538 Battle of Preveza earned him the nickname “Great Jew” by the Spanish. Reis later become Supreme Ottoman naval commander. He is buried in Jewish cemetery in Albania.


4) Jerry Seinfeld, First Pirate of the ’90s

No one can rock the Puffy Shirt pirate look quite like Jerry Seinfeld. We’ll let him explain how he feels about it:


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Hockey Team Will Honor Seinfeld's Puffy Shirt

By Gabe Friedman

The memory of Jerry Seinfeld’s legendary puffy shirt lives on in the unlikeliest of ways.

On November 16, the Bakersfield Condors, a minor league hockey team affiliated with the Edmonton Oilers, will celebrate “Seinfeld”’s 25th anniversary by wearing jerseys based on the iconic apparel.

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Jerry Seinfeld's First Selfie

By Anne Cohen

“Seinfeld” was first on a lot of the things: the Yada Yada, the salad craze, the social anxiety and neurosis that come with close talkers, high talkers and low talkers, and of course, the prescient pirate shirt (“The shirt of the 90s!”).

But curiously enough, Jerry Seinfeld has been late to the selfie.

The comedian is currently on vacation in Greece with his family, and it seems he has finally made the leap. His wife Jessica, who has been documenting the trip on Instagram, posted the following image yesterday, with the caption: “Jerry’s First Selfie. Ugh. Stop. #greeceistheword.”

Behold, and stand in awe:

Welcome to the selfie-verse Jerry! We can’t wait for the next one — a reunion selfie, perhaps?

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Seinfeld Supercut Shows What A Show About Nothing Really Looks Like

By Anne Cohen

Turns out, ‘Seinfeld’ was about something after all.

The following supercut, by video editor LJ Frezza, shows what the beloved sitcom would have been like in a New York sans people, soup Nazis, anti-Dentites, marble rye, men in capes, sombreros and Kramer.

And what a sad, sad world it would be.

[h/t Gothamist]

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6 Most Jewish Super Bowl Ads

By Anne Cohen

Everyone is talking about Scarlett Johansson’s upcoming Super Bowl ad for SodaStream. FOX has already nixed the original version, though not because of any political concerns — apparently it’s a big no-no to make fun of Coke and Pepsi.

But what about the other Jews who have carved their spot in the Super Bowl ad Hall of Fame?

Get ready for a little trip down memory lane, paved with Ferris Bueller parodies, a Jerry Seinfeld/Jay Leno rivalry, and even an Elton John/Paula Abdul duet.

And really, after being bombarded with news of his misadventures, who doesn’t want to feign ignorance and ask: “What’s a Bieber?”

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Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David Are Teaming Up Again

By Jana Banin

(JTA) — Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David have teamed up for a new project, and it’s big. And…well, that’s it.

Other than the fact that the thing is about “intentional mumbling” and that we will see it “eventually,” Seinfeld revealed little else about the script while answering audience questions on Reddit.com. Reddit’s AMA, or “Ask me Anything,” feature allows members of the popular social website to ask questions to significant figures. Seinfeld opened up to questions on Monday.

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A Very Seinfeld Bat Mitzvah

By Anne Cohen

A big mazel tov to Sascha Seinfeld, who celebrated her bat mitzvah this weekend!

Kvelling mommy Jessica posted this amazing picture of Jerry, their son Shepherd, George Stephanopoulos and BRAVO’s Andy Cohen:

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A Very Jewish George Clooney Photobomb

By Anne Cohen

Getty Images

What’s better than being in a picture with George Clooney?

Probably this picture of George Clooney photobombing what would have been a lovely portrait of Jewish Hollywood.

Steven Spielberg, Jerry Seinfeld and wife Jessica were posing at the USC Shoah Foundation Institute’s 2013 Ambassadors for Humanity gala when someone unexpected tried to jump in. George Clooney had just accepted the Ambassador for Humanity Award for his humanitarian efforts in Haiti and Africa and apparently felt the need to be included.

Aw, George — all you have to do is ask (or marry a nice Jewish girl…)!

As appropriate, Deadline held a caption contest to properly capture the essence of the moment.

And the winner is: “It’s every Jewish person’s nightmare: A huge ham lurking behind you.”

The honorable mentions are definitely worth checking out.

Do you have any caption ideas? Let us know in the comments.

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One Direction's Harry Styles' Tattoo

By Renee Ghert-Zand

Getty Images
Harry Styles

Tattoo aficionados continue to be intrigued by One Direction’s Harry Styles’ tattoo of his sister Gemma’s name in Hebrew on his left bicep. Either he or the tattoo artist had to have known Hebrew well enough to know an accent mark was needed over the gimel to denote the “j” sound at the beginning of the name.

Esquire may have named Mila Kunis the Sexiest Woman Alive, but the New York Daily News thinks she’s the shlumpiest. The paper has pointed out that the actress has been seen out and about almost exclusively in sweats and other sorts of casual wear.

And speaking of fashion, Jerry Seinfeld, caught by a reporter at Stella McCartney’s pre-fall presentation, admitted that his wife Jessica has forbidden him from wearing his signature white Nike sneakers anymore.

A number of celebs—including Liev Schreiber, Mandy Patinkin, Julianna Margulies and Paul Rudd— are participating in the “We Are Better Than This” videos for the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence.

The latest on Bethenny Frankel’s divorce is that she appeared on the Ellen DeGeneres show, tearfully sharing that she feels like a failure because her marriage did not turn out like a fairytale.

Gerard Depardieu is not the only French actor wanting to leave France. Mathieu Kassovitz has said (again) that he has had it with the French film industry. He doesn’t really have a beef with French tax law; he just wants more freedom to be an artiste.

Adam Sandler must be pleased about winning the People’s Choice Award for favorite comedic actor. We wonder if he is as stoked about leading the Razzie nominations?

On the topic of awards, Steven Spielberg’s “Lincoln” is leading the BAFTA nominations, but the director himself was snubbed. And in other tough news for Spielberg, his “Robopocalyspe” sci-fi saga has been delayed indefinitely.

Screenwriter Mark Boal exhibited a sense of humor about the controversy surrounding “Zero Dark Thirty” as he accepted the best film award from the New York Film Critics Circle.

Poor Evan Rachel Wood took to Twitter to lament the public’s obsession with the lives of celebrities…like Evan Rachel Wood.

Remember that romantic Hawaiian get-away Lea Michele took with her beau Cory Monteith? Well, now we’ve learned that her parents Marc and Edith Sarfati were along for the holiday.

Do not count Howard Stern among the fans of “Girls.” The shock jock had absolutely nothing nice to say about the show, or about Lena Dunham, whom he called a “fat…camera hog” who looks a bit like Jonah Hill.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt fans will get a kick out of this video of the actor’s first interview, from back when he was 14 years-old and on “Third Rock From The Sun.”

In the latest celeb sightings we have: Jason Segel toting some “I Love NY” bags as he departed from JFK; Lea Michele in bright yellow at the Fox All-Star Party, and a mini hot pink number at the People’s Choice Awards (where she won for best comedic actress); Adam Levine appearing pleased to accept, on behalf of Maroon 5, the People’s Choice Award for best band; Rachel Weisz looking lovely in a floral print dress at a New York screening of her new film, “The Deep Blue Sea”; and a very put-together Anne Hathaway and hubby Adam Shulman at the National Board of Review Awards.

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Jerry Seinfeld Stands Up to Test of Time

By Susan Armitage

getty images

Jerry Seinfeld is a master comedic craftsman still keeping his standup game in top form.

That’s the takeaway from this weekend’s New York Times magazine profile in which Seinfeld shares his writing process (including his notes) and talks spirituality with the Times’s Jonah Weiner.

Seinfeld describes growing up on Long Island in a “pretty Jewish” family that went to temple and kept kosher. Despite forays into Zen Buddhism, Scientology and transcendental meditation, Seinfeld told the Times he still identifies as Jewish.

“I was very flattered recently to hear about a Nazi rally in Florida where they took DVDs of (my) show, sprayed swastikas on them and threw them through the windows of a synagogue,” he said. “That was nice.”

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Video: Worst Seinfeld Episode Ever?

By Eileen Reynolds

On “Watch What Happens Live” last night, Andy Cohen got Jerry Seinfeld to divulge some juicy secrets about his hit 90s sitcom, including which actresses had the worst breath and which episode he liked the least, the L.A. Times reports.

The big loser? A third-season episode called “The Alternate Side,” in which Elaine’s 66-year-old boyfriend has a stroke when she’s just about to dump him. Seinfeld said he was uncomfortable with the scene where he had to feed the sick man on the couch.

Fair enough, but you might also remember that episode as the one where Kramer gets a small part in a Woody Allen movie. His only line? “These pretzels are making me thirsty.” Classic.

Watch Andy Cohen Interrogate Jerry Seinfeld:

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Top Jews on Forbes Celeb 100 List

By Renee Ghert-Zand

Getty Images

Steven Spielberg is the top Jew on Forbes’s list of The World’s Most Powerful Celebrities. The director/writer/producer/studio owner came in at number 10 on the list of 100. Ahead of him were Jennifer Lopez, Oprah Winfrey, Justin Bieber, Rihanna, Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, Kim Kardashian, Katy Perry and Tom Cruise. But coming in behind Spielberg were another 90 celebs, among them a fair number of other Jews.

Among them is former Beatle Paul McCartney (who was reported to be converting to Judaism, so he’s kosher enough for the purposes of our Jewish tally) in the 21st spot. Radio shock jock Howard Stern was ranked at number 30, with film and TV producer Jerry Bruckheimer coming in at 39th. Further down the list are MOT funnymen Adam Sandler, Jerry Seinfeld, and Ben Stiller. Actress Sarah Jessica Parker and reality TV personality Bethenny Frankel pull up the rear in 86th place and 97th place, respectively.

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Eric Nederlander: I Had Postpartum Depression

By Renee Ghert-Zand

Getty Images

Broadway producer Eric Nederlander’s divorce from his second wife, Lindsey Kupferman, has brought to light the issue of male postpartum depression. Divorce papers obtained by The New York Post show that Nederlander claimed that it was the baby blues that caused him to physically abuse his wife. Kupferman sought and obtained a restraining order against Nederlander for violent behavior back in 2008.

Some may recall that Nederlander’s first marriage was to Jessica Sklar, who is now the wife of Jerry Seinfeld. Nederlander and Sklar were married for only a month. She filed for divorce upon the couple’s return from their honeymoon and her meeting Seinfeld at a gym.

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Video: Seinfeld in Acura Super Bowl Ad

By Renee Ghert-Zand

Getty Images

If Matthew Broderick can do it, then so can Jerry Seinfeld. Sell cars, that is. Hot on the (w)heels of Broderick’s reprise of his famous Ferris Bueller alter ego to hock a Honda, we have Seinfeld doing his shtick to push the new Acura NSX.

It seems these days you don’t even have to wait until Super Bowl Sunday to watch Super Bowl ads. Four and half million pairs of eyes have been on Seinfeld’s extended-length commercial since Monday, nearly a week before the game kick off.

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