The Shmooze

6 Torah Verses That Explain Why Solange Attacked Jay Z

By Anne Cohen and Sigal Samuel

Confused by the whole Jay Z/Beyoncé/Solange elevator spat? Here’s an easy way to make sense of it. Just imagine Jay Z as Jacob, Beyoncé as Rachel and Solange as Leah. Here’s how it would have gone down in Bible times:

1. “And Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice.”

Bey and Jay first meet, they sing, they’re hot, it’s awesome.


2. “And Leah’s eyes were weak; but Rachel was of beautiful form and fair to look upon.”

Little sister Solange may be an indie princess, but Beyoncé is a queen. Beyoncé and Jay Z get hitched. But lo and behold…


3. “And it came to pass in the morning that, behold, it was Leah.”

Solange is everywhere. Jay Z can’t turn his head without catching a glimpse of her. The wrong sister.


4. “And Jacob’s anger was kindled against Rachel.”

‘Does your sister have to follow us everywhere?’ — Elevator street fight ensues.


5. “And Rachel said: ‘With mighty wrestlings have I wrestled with my sister, and have prevailed.”

Solange starts Instagram war, deleting all pictures of Beyonce. Beyoncé responds with an onslaught of sister pics. Solange loses Instagram war.


6. “And God remembered Rachel, and God hearkened to her.”

Bow down.


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Beyonce Visits Anne Frank House

By Anne Cohen

Beyonce took a little break from her Mrs. Carter World Tour to pay a visit to the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam with Jay-Z.

According to the museum’s Facebook page, the couple spent over an hour in the museum and were “very impressed by their visit to the hiding place of Anne Frank”.

Don’t believe us? See for yourself:

Queen Bey even took the time to sign the guestbook. Let’s just hope she didn’t pull a Bieber.

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Is Beyonce Coming to Israel?

By Jana Banin

(JTA) — The upcoming Israeli summer might just be getting even hotter.

According to a Sunday report on Israel’s Channel 2 news, Beyoncé will be stopping over for a gig at Tel Aviv’s Yarkon Park on June 15.

The thing is, the date does not appear on Beyoncé’s website. Plus, as Israeli fans may remember, a 2009 rumor that the pop star would visit never panned out.

If this thing really happens, Mrs. Carter will join a long list of big-name performers to visit Israel this summer, including Lady Gaga, The Rolling Stones, Neil Young and Justin Timberlake.

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Jewish Museum's Purim Ball: A Rap and Twitter Spiel

By Masha Leon

“It’s hard to imagine that we sold out The Armory!” beamed Claudia Gould Director of the Jewish Museum at its February 26 Purim Ball which raised a record $2.5 million.

More than 1,000 festive donors dined on a fabulous meal beneath a ceiling installation of 3,000 T-shirts with such imprints as: “I Love Esther” and “Got Spiel?”

Honoree Anshu Jain, co-chief executive officer of Deutsche Bank, was introduced by BlackRock, Inc. president Robert Kapito, who said, “Queen Esther was a Jewish queen over what was part of modern day India… and Ahasuerus reigned from Hodu to Kush which is the Biblical word for India.” Jain affirmed his familiarity with the Jewish community noting that Indian tradition also hones to “twin views of praise and guilt.”

Claudia Gould and Jessica Williams// Photo by Karen Leon.

Purimspieler Jessica Williams, a correspondent on Comedy Central’s “The Daily Show with John Stewart,” greeted the guests with: “Hey everybody! Hope you are ready for this, ‘cause it’s about to go down tonight…. There’ll be a lot of Twitter and Facebook and Instagram…. To all the older people — good luck!”

Delivered in Rap and Twitterese, Ahasuerus is King Aha-Tsurus, “the biggest rapper in the U.S., whose crew is De Persian Statesmen who won a lot of Grammys and hangs out with Warren Buffet. King lives with wife “Vashti Knowles” aka “Queen V [Beyonce], so popular she sang at President Obama’s” Inauguration. Theirs is a “life of fame, glamour and of course — anti-Semitism…. Aha-Tsurus has a beef with a Jewish gang, The Jew Tang Clan — a gang not to be messed with… It was rumored that the Jew Tang Clan killed [two major rappers] so he vowed to make the Jew Tang Clan his sworn enemies…. Aha-Tsurus was famous for anti-Semitic lyrics like, ‘What you not a fan, got murdered like the Jew Tang Clan…homey lookin’ real skittish, whatsa matter with you at least you don’t speak Yiddish.”

Photo by Karen Leon.

According to Williams’ hip-hop spiel “Aha-Tsurus held a party with a lot of twerking strippers — ‘who don’t count as humans’— and tweets Vashti to get her “booty butt’” over to his 50-50 Club. No! He divorces her. The king needs a new “Boo” and orders his crew “’Go find me the flyest girl but she can’t be Jewish or from the Jew Tang Clan.” Mordechai, aka Mordy, appears as rapper and a former Jew Tang Clan alum. As for his adoptee Esther, Williams informs: “She has the advantage of being racially androgynous, not unlike [Grammy–winning] Bruno Mars.

King falls for yoga-loving Esther. Another rapper — Haman West — a member of the Persian Statesmen and “a lot like Kanye West, hates and attacks Mordy. Esther “comes out of the Jewish closet” to save Mordy, the members of the Jew Tang Clan and herself. Haman gets exiled to his wife’s Kardashian-like reality show. King is no longer anti-Semitic, makes amends “with the Jew Tang Clan and others like “Jew Live Crew” and “The Old Money Boys.”

Williams concluded: “Esther is totally bummed she could not make it [here tonight] and ”she tweeted me to tell you that tonight celebrate goofy Jewish Halloween in her honor.”

Then came the after party and every guest left with a fun white T-shirt with the imprint “Body by Hamentaschen.”

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Watch Gwyneth Paltrow Imitate Jay-Z and Beyonce

By Anne Cohen

Getty Images
Gwyneth Paltrow

Oh, Gwynnie.

America’s most hated/loved celebrity made a splash during her appearance on “The Ellen Show” on Thursday when she was asked to impersonate singers based on a game that the actress often plays with her husband, singer Chris Martin. On the list? Jay-z, followed by Macklemore & Lewis, Kanye West and Beyonce.

Watch below, if you dare.

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Beyonce's Booty Didn't Kill Super Bowl Lights

By Reuters

An electrical relay device, not anything to do with Beyonce’s scorching halftime show, caused the power outage that killed some of the lights at the Super Bowl last Sunday, power company Entergy Corp has said.

getty images
Not That Hot: Pop star Beyonce thrilled fans at the Super Bowl. But her scorching halftime show didn’t cause the power outage that followed, as some speculated.

With over 108 million Americans watching a game which was televised in more than 180 countries worldwide, about half the stadium lights went dark early in the second half of the National Football League’s championship game, in which the Baltimore Ravens defeated the San Francisco 49ers, 34-31.

Many Americans believed the outage had something to do with Beyonce’s lights-out halftime show. The pop superstar, flaunting her post-baby figure, blew away the crowd with a knockout performane, including a reunion with her Destiny’s Child colleagues.

Baltimore led 28-6 when the lights went out and some say the disruption at the New Orleans Superdome, which lasted about 35 minutes, was a momentum changer that allowed the 49ers to get back in the game.

The device was specifically installed to protect the Superdome’s equipment in the event of a cable failure between the switchgear and the stadium, Entergy said on Friday.

The relay had functioned without issue during a number of other events, including the New Orleans Bowl, the New Orleans Saints-Carolina Panthers game, and the Sugar Bowl.

But during Super Bowl XLVII on Sunday, the relay device triggered, signaling a switch to open when it should not have, which caused a partial power outage in the building.

Entergy said the device has since been removed from service and new replacement equipment was being evaluated.

“While some further analysis remains, we believe we have identified and remedied the cause of the power outage and regret the interruption that occurred during what was a showcase event for the city and state,” Charles Rice, president and chief executive officer of Entergy New Orleans, said in a statement.

Entergy New Orleans, a unit of Entergy Corp, provides electricity to more than 160,000 customers and natural gas to more than 100,000 customers in Orleans Parish in Louisiana.

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