The Shmooze

What's Kyle Beckerman Hiding in His Hair?

By Dan Friedman

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Yes, we know Kyle Beckerman has embraced Rastafarianism and yes he married the non-Jewish (and, by all accounts, beautiful, lovely and smart) Kate Pappas at the Holy Trinity Greek Orthodox Church in Salt Lake City, Utah, but we know that those dreadlocks are just extreme peyes honoring Leviticus 19:27 where the Torah says, “You shall not round off the פְּאַת Pe’at of your head”

So what does Kyle Beckerman have in his peyes?

Landon Donovan
Only Jurgen Klinsmann seriously thought TeamUSA could get to the round of 16 without plucky little Landon.


The lost tribe
For thousands of years the lost tribe of pygmy Jews has been passed down from one dreadlocked Jewish captain of Real Salt Lake MLS soccer team to the next.


An oxygen tank
Michael Bradley and Beckerman’s lung-bursting efforts seem scarcely possible without some help. I can reveal that Beckerman has a small supply of oxygen in his locks to help him recover mid-game. And he shares with his buddy Bradley because, really, where’s Bradley going to hide it?


The black box from Flight MH370
Where WAS Kyle Beckerman on March 8, 2014? Internet conspiracy theorists want to know.


Mini Me
A mini Kyle Beckerman for extra reach in an emergency to make goal-saving headers.


Tefillin
In case of penalties.


The beautiful, smart, lovely Kate Pappas
In case of elimination.



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