The Jew And The Carrot

Pork Is Kosher, Announces The Onion

By Yermi Brenner

  • Print
  • Share Share
Thinkstock

We have some very exciting news: The 6,000-years-long Jewish ban on pork has been lifted! The Onion is reporting that the World Rabbinical Council has announced that Jews worldwide are now allowed to “dig in to the delicious taste of ham.” No more holding back on the bacon, or skipping “the other white meat” at barbecues. We are finally free to feast on pork-filled Chinese dumplings and maple bacon donuts .

Well, not exactly. The Onion is of course a satirical news outlet, and the World Rabbinical Council is a made-up organization. The pork ban is still standing firm. But what would happen if it had indeed been lifted?

Right off the bat, we would expect Williamsburg-based Hasids to flock to Traif, the ironic restaurant which celebrates all things non-kosher, located in the heart of New York’s hipsters’ hub.

The supermarket in Sunnyside, New York, which sold kosher pork could get back to doing so without being troubled by the New Yorker.

Across the Atlantic, the Hungarians who are planning to make the world’s tallest kosher sandwich, would be able to add ham, making it even larger and tastier.

And of course, the folks at Kibbutz Lahav, which runs Israel’s only Jewish pig farm, would suddenly have a much larger market for their product.

But the main question is how lifting the pork-ban would affect the beloved (or not) homemade Jewish dishes and the holiday feasts. Envision latkes with crispy bacon slices, matzo balls floating in aromatic pork bone broth, and cholent that’s merged with and spiced up by a pork-flavor stew. It’s a whole new world!

Take a moment, and spice up our comment section, sharing with us what would have been the first thing you’d eat if The Onion’s story had been true. And don’t forget to add your comical (or, not) suggestion for how to improve Jewish dishes with pork.


Permalink | | Share | Email | Print | Filed under: kosher pork, jews for pork, bacon, Pork

The Jewish Daily Forward welcomes reader comments in order to promote thoughtful discussion on issues of importance to the Jewish community. In the interest of maintaining a civil forum, The Jewish Daily Forwardrequires that all commenters be appropriately respectful toward our writers, other commenters and the subjects of the articles. Vigorous debate and reasoned critique are welcome; name-calling and personal invective are not. While we generally do not seek to edit or actively moderate comments, our spam filter prevents most links and certain key words from being posted and The Jewish Daily Forward reserves the right to remove comments for any reason.




Find us on Facebook!
  • Woody Allen on the situation in #Gaza: It's “a terrible, tragic thing. Innocent lives are lost left and right, and it’s a horrible situation that eventually has to right itself.”
  • "Mark your calendars: It was on Sunday, July 20, that the momentum turned against Israel." J.J. Goldberg's latest analysis on Israel's ground operation in Gaza:
  • What do you think?
  • "To everyone who is reading this article and saying, “Yes, but… Hamas,” I would ask you to just stop with the “buts.” Take a single moment and allow yourself to feel this tremendous loss. Lay down your arms and grieve for the children of Gaza."
  • Professor Dan Markel, 41 years old, was found shot and killed in his Tallahassee home on Friday. Jay Michaelson can't explain the death, just grieve for it.
  • Employees complained that the food they received to end the daily fast during the holy month of Ramadan was not enough (no non-kosher food is allowed in the plant). The next day, they were dismissed.
  • Why are peace activists getting beat up in Tel Aviv? http://jd.fo/s4YsG
  • Backstreet's...not back.
  • Before there was 'Homeland,' there was 'Prisoners of War.' And before there was Claire Danes, there was Adi Ezroni. Share this with 'Homeland' fans!
  • BREAKING: Was an Israeli soldier just kidnapped in Gaza? Hamas' military wing says yes.
  • What's a "telegenically dead" Palestinian?
  • 13 Israeli soldiers die in Gaza — the deadliest day for the IDF in decades. So much for 'precision' strikes and easy exit strategies.
  • What do a Southern staple like okra and an Israeli favorite like tahini have in common? New Orleans chef Alon Shaya brings sabra tastes to the Big Easy.
  • The Cossacks were a feature in every European Jewish kid's worst nightmare. Tuvia Tenenbom went looking for the real-life variety in Ukraine — but you won't believe what he found. http://forward.com/articles/202181/my-hunt-for-the-cossacks-in-ukraine/?
  • French Jews were stunned when an anti-Israel mob besieged a synagogue outside Paris. What happened next could be a historic turning point.
  • from-cache

Would you like to receive updates about new stories?




















We will not share your e-mail address or other personal information.

Already subscribed? Manage your subscription.