The Jew And The Carrot

Pork Is Kosher, Announces The Onion

By Yermi Brenner

  • Print
  • Share Share
Thinkstock

We have some very exciting news: The 6,000-years-long Jewish ban on pork has been lifted! The Onion is reporting that the World Rabbinical Council has announced that Jews worldwide are now allowed to “dig in to the delicious taste of ham.” No more holding back on the bacon, or skipping “the other white meat” at barbecues. We are finally free to feast on pork-filled Chinese dumplings and maple bacon donuts .

Well, not exactly. The Onion is of course a satirical news outlet, and the World Rabbinical Council is a made-up organization. The pork ban is still standing firm. But what would happen if it had indeed been lifted?

Right off the bat, we would expect Williamsburg-based Hasids to flock to Traif, the ironic restaurant which celebrates all things non-kosher, located in the heart of New York’s hipsters’ hub.

The supermarket in Sunnyside, New York, which sold kosher pork could get back to doing so without being troubled by the New Yorker.

Across the Atlantic, the Hungarians who are planning to make the world’s tallest kosher sandwich, would be able to add ham, making it even larger and tastier.

And of course, the folks at Kibbutz Lahav, which runs Israel’s only Jewish pig farm, would suddenly have a much larger market for their product.

But the main question is how lifting the pork-ban would affect the beloved (or not) homemade Jewish dishes and the holiday feasts. Envision latkes with crispy bacon slices, matzo balls floating in aromatic pork bone broth, and cholent that’s merged with and spiced up by a pork-flavor stew. It’s a whole new world!

Take a moment, and spice up our comment section, sharing with us what would have been the first thing you’d eat if The Onion’s story had been true. And don’t forget to add your comical (or, not) suggestion for how to improve Jewish dishes with pork.


Permalink | | Share | Email | Print | Filed under: kosher pork, jews for pork, bacon, Pork

The Jewish Daily Forward welcomes reader comments in order to promote thoughtful discussion on issues of importance to the Jewish community. In the interest of maintaining a civil forum, The Jewish Daily Forwardrequires that all commenters be appropriately respectful toward our writers, other commenters and the subjects of the articles. Vigorous debate and reasoned critique are welcome; name-calling and personal invective are not. While we generally do not seek to edit or actively moderate comments, our spam filter prevents most links and certain key words from being posted and The Jewish Daily Forward reserves the right to remove comments for any reason.




Find us on Facebook!
  • Angelina Jolie changed everything — but not just for the better:
  • Prime Suspect? Prime Minister.
  • Move over Dr. Ruth — there’s a (not-so) new sassy Jewish sex-therapist in town. Her name is Shirley Zussman — and just turned 100 years old.
  • From kosher wine to Ecstasy, presenting some of our best bootlegs:
  • Sara Kramer is not the first New Yorker to feel the alluring pull of the West Coast — but she might be the first heading there with Turkish Urfa pepper and za’atar in her suitcase.
  • About 1 in 40 American Jews will get pancreatic cancer (Ruth Bader Ginsberg is one of the few survivors).
  • At which grade level should classroom discussions include topics like the death of civilians kidnapping of young Israelis and sirens warning of incoming rockets?
  • Wanted: Met Council CEO.
  • “Look, on the one hand, I understand him,” says Rivka Ben-Pazi, a niece of Elchanan Hameiri, the boy that Henk Zanoli saved. “He had a family tragedy.” But on the other hand, she said, “I think he was wrong.” What do you think?
  • How about a side of Hitler with your spaghetti?
  • Why "Be fruitful and multiply" isn't as simple as it seems:
  • William Schabas may be the least of Israel's problems.
  • You've heard of the #IceBucketChallenge, but Forward publisher Sam Norich has something better: a #SoupBucketChallenge (complete with matzo balls!) Jon Stewart, Sarah Silverman & David Remnick, you have 24 hours!
  • Did Hamas just take credit for kidnapping the three Israeli teens?
  • "We know what it means to be in the headlines. We know what it feels like when the world sits idly by and watches the news from the luxury of their living room couches. We know the pain of silence. We know the agony of inaction."
  • from-cache

Would you like to receive updates about new stories?




















We will not share your e-mail address or other personal information.

Already subscribed? Manage your subscription.