How Do I Get My Son's Family To Eat Dinner Together?
By Joan Nathan
Dear Bintel Brief:
I’m very upset. My son, daughter-in-law and their four children NEVER sit down together at the dinner table. One child works at Abercrombie & Fitch; another is being tutored for the SAT (Sheer Agony Test); another is on a traveling soccer team; the fourth child belongs to a Jewish motorcycle club called “Chai Riders.”
I don’t want to interfere. But I’ve read studies that show that teenagers who ate five to six meals a week with their families were less likely to smoke cigarettes, use marijuana, drink alcohol, grow depressed or attempt suicide. Children who ate with their families were also more likely to have higher academic scores, confide in their parents and feel that their parents were proud of them.
Family dinners were a staple of my 1950s childhood in Rockaway Beach, N.Y. At our house, we could count on dinner every night at 6:45 — the same way we could count on our Catholic neighbors having fish on Fridays.
How can I impress upon my son’s family that the key to success is as close as the kitchen table?
A CONCERNED BUBBE
Joan Nathan responds:
November 9, 2009, 6:57pm
Help! My Dinner Guests Have All Sorts of Dietary Restrictions
By Joan Nathan
Dear Bintel Brief:
Shabbos dinner has long been my favorite Jewish custom. What could be more Jewish than gathering with friends and family around a table for a good meal? However, the issues of Jewish ethics and the politics of food have invaded my table — turning my celebration into a battle.
Few of my friends are omnivores. Each seems to have his or her own dietary restrictions and, of course, preferences. One friend doesn’t eat meat; another is allergic to wheat gluten, and many others keep strictly kosher (while I do not).
I am constantly torn between cooking or buying food for one person and cooking for the whole table. Is it better to provide a small amount for the person with restrictions or to bend over backwards to make something everyone can eat?
Who takes the cake: the individual or the table?
PERPLEXED HOSTESS
Joan Nathan responds:
November 9, 2009, 6:48pm
Joan Nathan Has Some Advice for Forward Readers
By Bintel Brief
Food writer Joan Nathan will be the Forward’s guest Bintel Brief columnist during the month of November. Nathan is the author of numerous cookbooks, including “Jewish Cooking in America” (Knopf, 1994), “Joan Nathan’s Jewish Holiday Cookbook” (Schocken, 2004) and “The New American Cooking” (Knopf, 2005). She has won two James Beard awards and a Julia Child Award, among other honors, for her cookbooks, and was the executive producer and host of the PBS series “Cooking in America With Joan Nathan.” Her new book on French Jewish cuisine is slated for release next fall.
If you have a question for the Bintel Brief, send an email to bintelbrief@forward.com. Questions selected for publication are printed anonymously.
October 26, 2009, 5:47pm
Embracing Your Would-Be Convert, Would-Be Sister-in-Law
By Amy Sohn
Dear Bintel Brief:
My boyfriend and his brother come from a family with Jewish values. Their mother has imbued them with the importance of marrying within the faith. My boyfriend’s brother has only been dating a woman for a short period of time, but the woman insists that she is passionate about converting to Judaism. She has a volatile personality. I wonder how committed she actually is, and I worry for him. I don’t know how to tell my boyfriend how I feel, and I would never risk hurting him or his family. What can I do?
Amy Sohn responds:
October 19, 2009, 5:09pm
Be Less Fruitful, and Cut Down Your Carbon Footprint
By Amy Sohn
Dear Bintel Brief:
My husband wants to have a big family, but I think that in today’s world with all of the suffering and the need, no one family should have more than two children. As someone who wrote about the stroller capital of the world, who’s right?
PONDERING PREGNANCY AND POPULATION
Amy Sohn replies:
October 12, 2009, 2:28pm
How Can I Fire My Flower Girl?
By Amy Sohn
Dear Bintel Brief:
My oldest and dearest friend, one of my only friends with children, really wants her daughter to be the flower girl in my forthcoming wedding. Initially, I thought it was a good idea, as neither my husband nor I have young nieces. But now, I’m rethinking the matter: My friend’s daughter is only 2 years old and — perhaps, understandably, given her age — she’s not-at-all well behaved. I might go so far as to call her bratty. I’m pretty certain she’ll cause a fuss during my ceremony. What’s the best way to fire the flower girl?
PERPLEXED BRIDE-TO-BE
Amy Sohn responds
October 5, 2009, 3:03pm
Amy Sohn Has Some Advice for Forward Readers
By Bintel Brief
Writer Amy Sohn will be the Forward’s next guest Bintel Brief advice columnist, answering readers’ questions during the month of October.
Sohn is the author of, most recently, “Prospect Park West” (Simon & Schuster) — a novel about living, loving, hating and procreating in the leafy Brooklyn neighborhood of Park Slope. She is also the author of the novels “Run Catch Kiss” (Simon & Schuster, 1999) and “My Old Man,” (Simon & Schuster, 2004), and of two bestselling “Sex and the City” tie-in books. In addition, she co-created, wrote and starred in the Oxygen series “Avenue Amy.”
She is a former contributing editor and columnist at New York magazine, and has also been a columnist at the New York Post and England’s Grazia magazine. She got her start writing “Female Trouble,” a racy New York Press dating column that, she said, “elicited loads of invective from readers and shamed her parents at cocktail parties.”
A graduate of Brown University, Sohn lives in Brooklyn with her husband and daughter.
If you have a question for the Bintel Brief, email bintelbrief@forward.com. Selected letters will be published anonymously. The first installment of the Bintel Brief featuring Amy Sohn will be published Monday, October 12 at www.forward.com.
September 25, 2009, 4:59pm
Help! I Left My Job; Now I'm Nostalgic for It
By Mayim Bialik
Dear Bintel Brief:
A few months ago, I decided to leave a very demanding job in television production. I had been there for five years and I was, quite simply, burned out. I felt like I needed a change of pace and direction in my life.
Ever since quitting, though, my anxiety about what to do next has been paralyzing. I’ve had some informational interviews, but, during them, I have had a hard time articulating why I want to work at one company or another because I’m not sure that I do. These interviews always leave me feeling nostalgic for my old job; sometimes I wish I was still there. But when I’m honest with myself, I know I need a fresh start — maybe even in a different field. How should I go about finding something that will make me happy, when I feel so directionless?
LOST IN SPACE
Mayim Bialik reponds
September 21, 2009, 10:49am
Help! I Feel Like I'm My Therapist's Therapist
By Mayim Bialik
Dear Bintel Brief:
I’ve been seeing my physical therapist for a while now and we’ve grown pretty close. She recently separated from her husband and now, during my appointment, all she talks about are her marital problems and whom she’s dating. Sometimes she’ll get teary eyed while she’s treating me, which makes me feel uncomfortable. She’s very skilled, but now my physical therapy appointments feel more like counseling sessions for her. Should I tell her and, if so, how? Or would it be best to just find someone new?
IN TREATMENT
Mayim Bialik responds:
September 14, 2009, 12:29pm
A College Grad: Dependent on Dad, Consumed by Guilt
By Mayim Bialik
Dear Bintel Brief:
As a recent college graduate, I feel very lucky — particularly in this economic environment — to have landed a job in a creative and very competitive field. I find my work fulfilling in all respects but one: It simply doesn’t pay enough for me to live even a no-frills existence in New York, where my job is.
Since my workweeks regularly exceed 60 hours, and my job requires me to be “on call” most evening and weekends, seeking out a second job to supplement my meager paycheck does not seem like a realistic option.
My parents are currently giving me around $200 a month to help pay my bills and rent. However, the check inevitably comes with both a nudge from my dad about the importance of self-sufficiency and with a whole lot of self-imposed guilt and frustration that I can’t stand on my own two feet.
I’m embarrassed asking for and accepting handouts from my parents, who paid in full for my education with the reasonable expectation that I’d be paying my own bills after graduation. But I don’t see another way to make ends meet if I am going to stay on what I think is a very promising career path.
What should I do?
DEPENDENT ON DAD
Mayim Bialik replies:
September 7, 2009, 3:20pm
How To Answer the Question 'Are You Pregnant Yet?'
By Mayim Bialik
Dear Bintel Brief:
Six months ago, my husband and I began trying to conceive our first child. Since we’re both young and healthy, and had no reason to think we’d encounter any problems getting pregnant, we told close friends and family that we were “trying.”
But making a baby has proved harder than expected, and I’m still not pregnant. Not only am I facing disappointment and frustration month after month, those feelings are compounded by frequent questions from loved ones who want to know if I’m “pregnant yet” — and if not, why not, and if I want to talk about it. When I say that I don’t, the conversation often becomes uncomfortable.
I wish my husband and I had kept quiet about our plans to start a family. But now that the cat is out of the bag: How should I tell inquiring minds to cease and desist, as far as pregnancy questions are concerned, without alienating cherished friends and family members?
TRYING TO CONCEIVE
Mayim Bialik replies:
August 31, 2009, 1:50pm
Mayim Bialik Has Some Advice for Forward Readers
By Bintel Brief
Mayim Hoya Bialik, who is best know for her lead role as Blossom Russo on the early-1990s NBC sitcom “Blossom,” will be answering readers’ questions as the Forward’s guest Bintel Brief advice columnist during the month of September.
After “Blossom,” Bialik went on to study neuroscience and Hebrew and Jewish studies at UCLA, where she ultimately earned a Ph.D. in neuroscience. While at the university, she was an active student leader at the campus Hillel — starting a women’s Rosh Chodesh group and serving as a lay chazzanut.
More recently, she has appeared in the HBO comedy “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and, beginning this fall, she will have a recurring role on the ABC Family drama “The Secret Life of the American Teenager.”
Bialik, who was brought up in a Yiddish-speaking home and describes herself as an “avid student of all things Jewish,” is a board member, co-founder and chairwoman of the Jewish Free Loan Association’s Genesis branch. She also studies weekly with a mentor from Partners in Torah.
A married mother of two young sons, she is the celebrity spokeswoman for the Holistic Moms Network. Her Web site is www.mayimbialik.net.
If you have a question for the Bintel Brief, email bintelbrief@forward.com. Selected letters will be published anonymously. New installments of the Bintel Brief, featuring Mayim Bialik, will be published Mondays in September at www.forward.com.
August 3, 2009, 11:16pm
My Parents Want Me To Be an Actuary; I Want To Run a Casino
By Lenore Skenazy
Dear Bintel Brief:
I’m 18 and reside on Long Island. My parents want me to be an actuary. (I don’t even know what that is; I think it has to do with birds.) But I want to attend Tulane University, enroll in their Casino Management program.
My mother (I love her dearly) hasn’t been to Las Vegas since the 1950s; she still calls Las Vegas “Zind [Sin] City.” I call it “The Entertainment Capital of the World.”
Yes, I know that many casino employees have seen their jobs eliminated in recent months because people are gambling less in this recession, but I’m convinced that the employment market will improve by the time I finish my coursework. Help!
A FRUSTRATED STUDENT
Dear Frustrated Student:
I totally get it. It must be VERY frustrating when your parents don’t take one single second to understand what kind of career might interest you. It’s like they’re PROUD of their ignorance.
Now go look up the word “actuary.”
Oh my! Nothing at all to do with birds, is it?
How dare you suggest that your parents don’t care about your deepest desires when you’ve never even bothered to look up the career they’re suggesting? You haven’t even GOOGLED “actuary.” And according to the second entry there — not too hard to find — an actuary is an expert in:
•Evaluating the likelihood of future events •Designing creative ways to reduce the likelihood of undesirable events •Decreasing the impact of undesirable events that do occur.
In other words (mine, not Google’s): AN ACTUARY IS SOMEONE WHO GETS PAID TO THINK LIKE A POKER PLAYER!!
Imagine that — your parents have been thinking deeply about your interests and skills and they even came up with a way you could use them to make a pile of money!
Back to Google, buddy. A simple search of “Casino manager, average salary,” finds that folks in the career you want to pursue start out at about $49,000 a year, and end up making an average of $60,000. Actuaries start out at $51,000–$61,000 a year, and end up making an average of $90,000. That’s an extra $30,000 a year you could save for a house or retirement or just go blow on the slots! What?
No one would be stupid enough to spend all their savings on slot machines since everyone knows the house always wins? Well, folks will be doing exactly that if you’re really good at “casino management.” Your job is to encourage them come lose their money.
See, I happen to agree with your mom: Gambling is a zind. That’s why the machers in your chosen field took a couple of consonants out of the industry’s name and started calling it “gaming” instead of “gambling.” They know that “gambling” has a long, sad history of sending optimistic folks home broke. They want us to think of it as something more along the lines of Monopoly: good, clean fun. (Not that I ever found Monopoly much fun at all. But still.)
What does it take to join this illustrious brotherhood? The “Casino Management” program at Tulane seems to consist mostly of hospitality management classes, statistics, economics and accounting. Seeing as how casino managers also find themselves in a field that has traditionally attracted shysters, mobsters, cheaters and hookers, there are also classes in legality. And there’s one class that comes “recommended” — on ethics. See above for why.
So it seems it’s not just your parents who are worried about the bed you want to lie down in. Tulane is, too.
But there is one more big factor we have not discussed yet — the ace of spades, as it were — and that is your age: 18. No matter how much your parents love you and vice versa, you are a young man now, not a child, and what you do with your life is up to you. So it really doesn’t matter if your parents approve of your major or not.
Who will pay for your schooling? Ah, that may depend on the career you decide to pursue. But that’s okay. You’re willing to take a gamble. Right?
July 27, 2009, 8:28pm
Help! I'm Sick of Overparenting My Kids
By Lenore Skenazy
Dear Bintel Brief:
I want to be a Free-Range parent, I really do. I want to let my kids have the same kind of fun I had as a child. But I am so paranoid it is ridiculous.
When I was in third, grade I used to walk a few blocks up the street to a small park where I would play for hours by myself. I now have a son in third grade, and couldn’t even imagine letting him do this by himself. I was always able to go and do almost anything I wanted from a very young age, but I can’t even begin to think about letting my kids do this.
I have three sons ages 8, 3, and 1.5. I am not a paranoid person when it comes to anything that has to do with me. I am very confident in myself. My 8-year-old is very smart and capable, but the thought of him even being outside by himself is enough to reduce me to a nerve-wracked pile of goo. I want to be able to do the things with my kids that I was able to do as a kid. I have no idea where my paranoia came from. It sure wasn’t my parents because they had no problem letting me go and do things by myself. I don’t watch much TV, because I don’t care for it, and what I do watch is just a couple of shows here and there. No news. Where is this fear coming from? How can I fight it?
SICK OF SMOTHERING
Dear Smothering:
I know the feeling, I really do — the nauseous fear when you picture something tragic happening to your kid.
That’s the problem: It is so easy to picture, because as a society, we are talking about it all the time. I know you don’t watch much TV, but everyone else does, and the second you turn on CNN, there’s another abduction story. Some people have started calling it the Child-Napping Network. Switch to “Law & Order” and there’s an adorable kid being snatched from the school yard. Turn on “CSI” and there’s another one being dredged from the swamp. The Mayo Clinic did a cool study comparing two seasons’ worth of CSI crimes to two seasons’ worth of actual crimes and found the biggest discrepancy is that on TV, almost all the crimes are committed by strangers, even though in real life that is not the case. Still, that is why you are a nerve-wracked pile of goo (lovely phrase): Our society is intent on making us feel that strangers are waiting to pounce on our kids 24/7, even though — this is the shocker — our kids are NO LESS SAFE THAN WE WERE! I know, I know — it’s almost impossible to believe. But when I was researching my “Free-Range Kids” book, I dug up the stats and here they are: The crime rate rose through the ’70s and ’80s, a sad, scary fact we all lived through. But then it started going down – way down — in the early ’90s, thanks to more policing, longer jail terms, cell phones (really!) and even the greater availability of psychiatric meds. With the criminally insane feeling less insane, they become less criminal. As a result, crime across the board is back to the level of 1970. So if you were playing outside in the ’70s or ’80s, your boys are actually SAFER than you were!
Remember the folks who put the kids’ pictures on the milk cartons (and didn’t bother to tell us the vast majority were runaways or kids taken by non-custodial parents in divorce cases? Drove us crazy with fear?). Anyway, they feel bad about sending out the wrong message about stranger danger now. I spoke to Ernie Allen, the head of that group — the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children — and do you know what he said? “Our message to parents is you don’t have to live in fear. You don’t have to feel you have to lock your children in a room.”
To keep kids safe he actually recommends teaching them how to get along in the world — how to cross the street safely, how to ask strangers for help, how to yell back at bullies — and then to let your kids go out! The safest kid is a kid filled with self-confidence. You’ll note that the word is not “parent-assisted” confidence.
How do kids get confident enough to stand up for themselves? By doing things for themselves! Walking the dog, organizing the kickball game, biking down the street to knock on their friend’s door, instead of waiting for us to make the playdate and then drive them a few doors down as if they’re under enemy fire.
You want your kids to have the kind of childhood you did — the kind you thank your lucky stars (and parents!) for. You can. Kids as young as 8 are spending an average of 6 hours a day staring at a screen now. With your encouragement, your 8-year-old can click “Off,” go outside and climb a tree.
He may come back dirty and a little sunburned. He may even have a few scrapes. But he’ll remind you of you, and smell like summer.
Lenore Skenazy, a former columnist for the New York Daily News and the New York Sun, now writes a syndicated newspaper column and hosts a topical humor contest that runs in The Week magazine. She is the author of “Free-Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts With Worry” (Jossey-Bass), published in April, and “Who’s The Blonde That Married What’s-His-Name? The Ultimate Tip-of-the-Tongue Test of Everything You Know You Know – But Can’t Remember Right Now” (Penguin), published in June.
If you have a question for the Bintel Brief, e-mail bintelbrief@forward.com. Questions selected for publication are printed anonymously.
July 20, 2009, 1:29pm
My Husband's Atheism Is Cramping My Style
By Lenore Skenazy
Dear Bintel Brief,
My husband and I had a Jewish home. We were active members of our synagogue and celebrated all the Jewish holidays. My husband recently declared himself an atheist and gave up on all things religious. I still want to light candles and celebrate Shabbat, have seders, etc., but he refuses to participate. His hostility has put a damper on my ardor. I don’t want to be the only one in my home to keep up Jewish traditions. What should I do?
MARRIED TO AN ATHEIST
Dear Married:
If I were a psychologist — and I’m not, I’m just a gal sitting here trying to solve the world’s problems while eating way too many cheese crackers (delicious!) — I’d say the nugget to examine here is not your husband’s sudden atheism, it’s this: “His hostility has put a damper on my ardor.”
If anyone just happened to read this sentence by itself, they might think it was describing a husband’s hostility to his wife, and the wife’s response — a dampening of ardor.
Which is sort of how this letter is sounding anyway.
For instance, if you suddenly developed a real aversion to your husband’s favorite food — say, herring — would you sit there and make retching sounds every time he fished a piece or two out of the bottle? A bottle you bought together, holding hands at the deli? Or would you try to breathe through your mouth so your husband could continue to enjoy his former favorite part of the day: the herring and beer moment?
If your goal is harmony, you’d shush already about how stinky herring is, because your husband being happy is more important than your (new) opinion of his crazy taste buds.
And that’s just herring.
Moving on: Suddenly, your husband is not just rejecting the Judaism you once both loved, he is rejecting what sounds like the very foundation of the life you’ve built together. The holidays. The temple. The traditions. Worse, he is angry at them all. He refuses to be in the same room with them. He doesn’t care if Judaism is something that fills your life with joy and meaning, he’s making the retching sounds so you can’t enjoy it either.
Growing up, we had a word for this behavior: Moorsah. It was either Turkish or Ladino, but whatever it was, it meant being in a bad mood and trying to get everyone else in a bad mood, too — exactly what your husband seems to be doing. Something is making him very miserable — either a religious crisis or something else that he or the religious crisis is masking — and he wants you to be miserable too.
“Now wait!” some cry: “If he’s no longer a believer, why should he pretend?”
Same reason we cheer our hearts out at the school play, “Max and the Giant Safety Scissors.” Not because the play is any good. It stinks! But sitting through it is a small price to pay for seeing our kid grin when he spots us in the audience. Being family means supporting our loved ones, not sneering at them.
So shouldn’t you support your husband’s newfound atheism, too? I do think it deserves some support and no sneering. You can listen to his doubts, and appreciate his struggle. You can let him know that you love HIM, even if you don’t see eye to eye on religion. But then you have to help him understand that lately he’s been throwing your relationship out with the holy water (so to speak).
Tell him if he wants you two to be a team, he should be a mensch and partake of family life, which happens to be Jewish family life. After all: If God doesn’t exist, what does it matter if you light some candles?
But it’s possible all this anger and hostility is actually having the very effect he wants, consciously or not, which is to wear you down and drive the two of you apart. If that’s his goal, the Bintel Brief cannot bring him back. Maybe therapy can. Maybe talking to a friend can. Maybe herring and a beer?
It certainly couldn’t hurt.
Lenore Skenazy, a former columnist for the New York Daily News and the New York Sun, now writes a syndicated newspaper column and hosts a topical humor contest that runs in The Week magazine. She is the author of “Free-Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts With Worry” (Jossey-Bass), published in April, and “Who’s The Blonde That Married What’s-His-Name? The Ultimate Tip-of-the-Tongue Test of Everything You Know You Know – But Can’t Remember Right Now” (Penguin), published in June.
If you have a question for the Bintel Brief, e-mail bintelbrief@forward.com. Questions selected for publication are printed anonymously.
July 13, 2009, 3:49pm
Help! My Daughter Is Seeking an 'Open' Marriage
By Lenore Skenazy
Dear Bintel Brief:
In 1995 one of my six daughters, married for the first time. We thought at the time that she was truly getting married, and I liked her young man. For maybe a dozen years before her marriage she had been leading an unconventional, “new-age” lifestyle in the San Francisco Bay Area, perhaps in rebellion against her conventional, Midwestern upbringing by her mother, my ex-wife.
Some time later, the two of them confided in me and my wife of 50 years that she and M___ were in an “open” marriage — meaning that each of them was free, with the other’s knowledge and consent, to take lovers. My wife and I didn’t say anything at the time, which my daughter and her husband interpreted as acceptance. On more than one occasion, they thanked us for our being so understanding.
In private discussions between us, my wife and I weren’t so understanding, and we agreed that this so-called “open” marriage was nothing more than a holding pattern until one or the other of them found in a lover someone more pleasing than their spouse. And so it has turned out; the husband jumped ship.
Subsequently, my daughter’s life has settled down. Curiously, she continues to socialize and spend holidays with, apparently without rancor, M___ and his new wife.
All of this sets background for the reason for this letter. To wit: In discussing her future with my daughter, I have on more than one occasion gently (I hope) suggested that she seek out a more conventional relationship. The last time I did so, she reacted with some heat, asking me not to raise the subject again. She defended her “open” marriage, declaring that statistics show that an “open” marriage are no more prone to end in divorce than conventional marriages, in which the which the taking of lovers is often carried out in secret and is truly a betrayal.
So here, finally, are my questions for Bintel Brief: 1). Is my daughter’s claim about statistics about “open” indeed true? And 2) If I should ever raise this matter again with my daughter, is there anything else of a non-moralistic nature that I could adduce to the benefit of a conventional marriage?
CONCERNED TATELE
P.S. My mother, of blessed memory, used to quote in Yiddish an example from Bintel Brief. The translation went something like this: “Dear Worthy Editor, I write to you not with ink, but with blood from a mother’s heart.”
Dear Tatele:
Wow, six daughters and one of them is choosing a non-traditional marriage, and you wish she could see the wisdom of the old ways? Mind if I call you Tevye?
Sure, you’ve got one girl more than the milkman, but still: Your beloved daughter is intent on making a match that seems meshuge to you, especially since the first time she tried it, it didn’t even work! The one advantage to open marriage, you’d think, is that at least a couple can stay together forever: Why divorce the cow when you can get the milk from all the other cows, too?
But that’s just the problem, says Hara Marano, author of a book all about young people falling apart, “A Nation of Wimps” (Broadway, 2008). When you keep consorting with everyone else, one of you is liable to fall in love. And even if this doesn’t lead to divorce, it usually leads to jealousy, which is about one millimeter away on the misery continuum. (Right next to incurable itching and a spouse who listens to the TV too loud.) Nearly inevitable jealousy is a straightforward argument against open marriage that you could make.
Except that your daughter seems to have emerged unmiserable and unjealous enough to still like her ex and the replacement wife and want to try it all again. So maybe an open marriage can make sense, at least for her.
Having written that line with zero conviction (if you’re Tevye, I’m Golde), I called Richard Woods, an author who lectures about open marriage — including his own. First off, he said, there are no statistics to give your daughter, because there are no hard numbers to base them on. Open marriage isn’t something you check off on your census.
Moreover, he said, the reason it’s not on the census is that open marriage “is the new gay.” Like homosexuality just a generation or two ago, most of the people practicing it don’t talk about it for fear of public censure. In fact, if it weren’t so taboo, Barack Obama might not be president today! Remember that Illinois Sen. Jack Ryan was uncovered as a “swinger” (a particularly unappealing one), leading to his resignation, leading to a young state senator winning his U.S. Senate seat, leading to a run for the White House and … you know how the story ends. A story that in itself began with a coupling many once found taboo: A black man and a white woman.
When you think about open marriage as an option that has been around for a while, quietly working for some people, it stops seeming quite so strange and starts becoming just another point along that long line of previously unthinkable liaisons that gradually became more and more accepted: Choosing Motl the tailor over an arranged marriage. Choosing a Bolshevik. Choosing intermarriage. Choosing someone of a different race. Or the same sex.
And even if it that kind of arrangement doesn’t make sense to you, Tevye, in the end it’s not up to you anyway. It’s up to your daughter. And maybe the sweep of history.
Lenore Skenazy, a former columnist for the New York Daily News and the New York Sun, now writes a syndicated newspaper column and hosts a topical humor contest that runs in The Week magazine. She is the author of “Free-Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts With Worry” (Jossey-Bass), published in April, and “Who’s The Blonde That Married What’s-His-Name? The Ultimate Tip-of-the-Tongue Test of Everything You Know You Know – But Can’t Remember Right Now” (Penguin), published in June.
If you have a question for the Bintel Brief, e-mail bintelbrief@forward.com. Questions selected for publication are printed anonymously.
July 9, 2009, 5:38pm
'Free Range' Mom Lenore Skenazy To Advise Forward Readers
By Bintel Brief
Columnist and humorist Lenore Skenazy will be answering readers’ questions as the Forward’s next Bintel Brief advice columnist.
Skenazy, a former New York Daily News and New York Sun columnist, now writes a syndicated column that appears in more than 100 newspapers. She also runs The Week magazine’s topical humor contest, “What’s Next?”
She is, perhaps, best known for letting her 9-year-old take the subway by himself, and writing about it last spring. Skenazy then found herself on “The Today Show,” “Dr. Phil” and even the BBC — defending herself as NOT “America’s Worst Mom.” She launched the blog “Free-Range Kids” to explain her parenting philosophy and when this proved popular, she went on to write the book, “Free-Range Kids: Giving Our Children the Freedom We Had Without Going Nuts with Worry” (Jossey-Bass).
In June, Penguin published her totally unrelated book, “Who’s The Blonde That Married What’s-His-Name? The Ultimate Tip-of-the-Tongue Test of Everything You Know You Know – But Can’t Remember Right Now” — the first trivia quiz book with questions that are all worded the way Skenazy’s parents used to talk. (for example, “Honey, what’s that Catskills dance movie with the guy in the tight pants and the ugly duckling actress before she had the nose job whose real life dad was the Cabaret guy?”)
Skenazy lives in Manhattan with her husband and their two sons.
If you have a question for the Bintel Brief, e-mail bintelbrief@forward.com. Questions selected for publication are printed anonymously.
June 8, 2009, 2:38pm
Paying Cash, Helping a Tax-Cheat?
By Hanna Rosin
Dear Bintel Brief,
If a cleaning lady, repairman, tradesman or even a doctor quotes a price to do a service, but then immediately offers to reduce the price if you pay cash, and you suspect the lower price is offered because the provider will not report the income and pay taxes, are you participating in an unethical transaction? Or are you merely participating in one that might lead to something illegal on the part of the recipient of the payment? What is the appropriate way to respond to such an offer?
TAXED ABOUT TAXES
Dear Taxed About Taxes,
Wow. Is this what America has come to? We now have doctors who take payment in cash? Twelve years of training, a fancy degree on the wall and they behave just like a card shark. What next? I’ll be paying my private school teacher with a suitcase stuffed with bills. Seriously, though. I do not consider this a black and white zone but a grey one. When you say “suspect,” what do you mean by that? Merely the fact that someone prefers to be paid in cash is not suspicious. My own father is a New York City taxi driver. Those new credit card machines they’ve installed make his life very difficult, not because he has to pay taxes on the money but because he has to pay a percentage on them and monitor and upkeep the machines and pay to have them installed. So yes, he prefers cash. There might be perfectly innocuous reasons why a tradesman or yes, even doctor, saves money when you pay cash.
That said, if you have a strong reason to suspect someone is ducking out of taxes, that’s a different story. When I was younger, cable installation people were running a city-wide scam. They’d install cable and ask you to pay in cash. It was understood that they would pocket the money and not tell the company. When the cable guy asks for cash, that’s pretty suspicious. But a plumber who works for himself, or the tile guy, or the electrician might have perfectly good reasons for doing so. I’d say don’t assume they’re guilty.
Hanna Rosin is a writer for the Atlantic and Double X, and the author of “God’s Harvard: A Christian College on a Mission to Save America” (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2007). The Israeli-born, Queens-reared Rosin lives in Washington, D.C. with her husband and their three children.
If you have a question for the Bintel Brief, e-mail bintelbrief@forward.com. Questions selected for publication are printed anonymously.
May 26, 2009, 3:19pm
Bridal Shower TMI?
By Hanna Rosin
Dear Bintel Brief,
Nobody knows that I was once in a same-sex relationship. My former lover, now just a friend, has been invited to my bridal shower. I know that the hostesses are going to ask all the guests to introduce themselves and say how they know me. I am mortified. What if the truth comes out?
RED-FACED BRIDE
Dear Red-Faced Bride,
If not for reality television, I might not have the requisite imagination to spin out the disaster scenario for My Bridesmaid Was Once My Lover: Gail sits in the corner of the living room, alone, giving off a sulky, awkward vibe. The other guests at the bridal shower are drinking martinis and comparing notes about senior year, but Gail does not participate in the merriment. Soon the hostess gathers all the guests in a circle, and asks them to say how they know the bride. When they get to Gail there is a loaded pause. Gail tries to catch the future bride’s eye but she looks away. Then Gail starts to talk, and talk, and pretty soon the bride is hiding in the bathroom and he mother has fainted dead.
Wait. The scenario doesn’t ring true. Only the most vengeful or socially obtuse person would bring up the relationship at a bridal shower, especially if she knows the relationship was a secret. If you suspect that your friend fits either of these categories, then I would act now, quickly. I would take her out for a coffee and a chat. If you get a sense that she has any stake in the old relationship or that she’d feel offended at the idea of remaining discreet, then I would voice your fears. You don’t have to convey shame and regret about the old flame. Don’t get defensive either. Just say that a bridal shower is a stuffy old affair. Tell her that your aunt Mitzie will be there, and she would die if she knew. So could she please keep it a secret?
Hanna Rosin is a writer for the Atlantic and Double X, and the author of “God’s Harvard: A Christian College on a Mission to Save America” (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2007). The Israeli-born, Queens-reared Rosin lives in Washington, D.C. with her husband and their three children.
If you have a question for the Bintel Brief, e-mail bintelbrief@forward.com. Questions selected for publication are printed anonymously.
May 13, 2009, 12:01pm
Hanna Rosin Has Some Advice for Forward Readers
By Bintel Brief
Hanna Rosin, a writer for the Atlantic and Double X — the Slate Group’s new online magazine for women — will be answering readers’ questions as the Forward’s next guest Bintel Brief advice columnist. Rosin was nominated this year for a National Magazine Award for her Atlantic piece on transgendered children. She is the author of “God’s Harvard: A Christian College on a Mission to Save America” (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2007). The Israeli-born, Queens-reared Rosin lives in Washington, D.C. with her husband, Slate editor David Plotz, and their three children.
The first installment of the Bintel Brief featuring Rosin will be posted at www.forward.com on Monday, May 18. If you have a question for the Bintel Brief, e-mail bintelbrief@forward.com. Questions selected for publication are printed anonymously.
May 3, 2009, 5:33pm
How Should We Honor the Deceased at a Simcha?
By Ed Koch
Dear Bintel Brief:
My son’s bar mitzvah is later this month, and I am so proud of him. At the event, he has expressed a desire to honor his mother, my wife, who died last year after a long illness. But he has also expressed concern that he would be injecting a dose of sadness into what should be a happy event.
Can you offer any suggestions on how we can acknowledge his mother’s absence, all the while keeping the occasion celebratory rather than solemn? And should a tribute to her take place during the service or at the party afterwards?
Thank you.
PROUD DAD
Ed Koch Replies:
Dear Proud Dad:
It is normal and expected that a young man — now 13 — would include his recently deceased mother in his bar mitzvah remarks. All bar mitzvah boys, myself included, refer to our parents in our remarks at the religious ceremony. So encourage him to do so.
Americans, for the most part, fail to understand that death is part of life. Further, we should not constantly be sad when thinking of our deceased loved ones, particularly parents, but rather, think of them, if that was the case, as our protectors when we needed their close supervision and love. Rejoice in their accomplishments when they were here. Remark on what they meant to you in growing up and how they helped form your character.
Whenever the speech of the bar mitzvah boy is regularly scheduled to be held, either at the service or at the following party, is the appropriate place. For me, the choice would be at the service.
All the best.
April 26, 2009, 10:19pm
My Son Is Refusing To Circumcise His Newborn
By Ed Koch
Dear Bintel Brief:
My son married a non-Jewish woman. They have baby boy, and decided not to have a circumcision. My husband and I have told my son and his wife how important this is to us, but they still will not do it. Recently, we have read more about the health benefits of circumcision. Do we bring up the topic again?
CONFUSED BUBBE
Ed Koch Replies:
Dear Bubbe:
The care and raising of your grandson is the responsibility of his parents, one of whom is your son.
You have the right, and you exercised it, to advise your son and daughter-in-law of your views on the need to circumcise their newborn son, your grandson, but not to press them in a way that will alienate them and perhaps deprive you of seeing them and your grandson as often as you would like.
My advice is that you not harp on this issue.
If, in the future, during a conversation, your son or daughter-in-law raises the matter, as they might, you can use that opportunity to provide factual information, your views and even talk of the need for Jews to remember who they are and not become indifferent to the traditions into which they were born and for which so many died in the last 2,000 years.
Also, you might suggest they talk to Jewish doctors familiar with the procedure. But, be careful not to antagonize either of them. The most important aspect of life is family and the love and support of one another that exists among those in that family.
There will be another opportunity for circumcision when your grandson becomes of age and, perhaps, decides on his own to affiliate more closely with the Jewish people — 13 million of us worldwide. Regrettably, at an older age, it will cause more pain to him, which, at eight days after birth, is normally dealt with by a swabbing of the baby’s lips with a little wine.
My own recollection is that the swabbing didn’t help.
But I have no regrets.
From 1978 to 1989, Edward I. Koch served as the mayor of New York. Koch, the second Jewish mayor in the city’s history, is an author of more than a dozen books, including “The Koch Papers: My Fight Against Anti-Semitism” (Palgrave, 2008), written with Rafael Medoff. A longtime advocate of Catholic-Jewish dialogue and relations, Koch also co-wrote “His Eminence and Hizzoner” (William Morrow, 1989) with the late John Cardinal O’Connor. The former mayor is a partner at the Manhattan law firm Bryan Cave.
Send a letter to the Bintel Brief at bintelbrief@forward.com. Questions selected for publication will be printed anonymously.
April 19, 2009, 10:39pm
Help! My Oldest Friend Won't Give a Toast at My Wedding
By Ed Koch
Dear Bintel Brief,
I have a dilemma concerning my upcoming wedding.
During the reception we plan to have five or so guests of honor give toasts. I asked one of my closest childhood friends how he would feel about being one of the toasters and I immediately sensed an unexpected ambivalence on his part. Once I got over the initial sting, I asked him about his apparent reluctance. He told me that while he was very happy for me he was not in a great place himself; he was somewhat ashamed to be single, and he did not want to call attention to his plight. He wanted to keep a low profile, and giving a keynote toast would put him uncomfortably in the spotlight.
Now I’m wrestling with a choice. Part of me wants to assert the importance of our lifelong friendship and of my wedding day, and to try to convince him to “get over himself.” And the other part feels I should back off, to respect his desire to be seen but not heard on my wedding day.
Your two cents?
BURNT TOAST
Ed Koch Replies:
Dear Burnt Toast:
Your close friend has a problem — his single state. You would like to assist him and, in my opinion, you would be injuring him were you to talk to him seeking to convince him to “get over himself.”
His feelings appear deep-rooted and you don’t appear to have any professional qualifications to lend him the expert aid he may need. For whatever reasons, he feels that he is a failure because he is not married. Even though you and I understand that marriage, as good and important as it is, when it is successful, is not necessarily the answer to a person’s problems.
So don’t put any pressure on him to engage in the public toasting. Instead, why not arrange some dates for him. The best way, if he is too shy to go out on a blind date, would be to have a small dinner at your home after your marriage and invite him and a female friend separately, making sure the number in attendance is small enough — perhaps 6 or 8 people — that he is bound to talk to her. If the first attempt fails, try again and again.
All the best.
From 1978 to 1989, Edward I. Koch served as the mayor of New York. Koch, the second Jewish mayor in the city’s history, is an author of more than a dozen books, including “The Koch Papers: My Fight Against Anti-Semitism” (Palgrave, 2008), written with Rafael Medoff. A longtime advocate of Catholic-Jewish dialogue and relations, Koch also co-wrote “His Eminence and Hizzoner” (William Morrow, 1989) with the late John Cardinal O’Connor. The former mayor is a partner at the Manhattan law firm Bryan Cave.
Send a letter to the Bintel Brief at bintelbrief@forward.com. Questions selected for publication will be printed anonymously.
April 12, 2009, 11:11pm
Former Mayor: Assisted Suicide Is Not Necessarily the Answer
By Ed Koch
Dear Bintel Brief:
Until very recently, I considered myself an average American woman. I am foreign-born, but I’ve been here for many years — and I love the country that adopted me. I voted diligently in every election. I was also very active and productive. I worked as a volunteer. I was athletic.
Suddenly, without provocation, I became an old lady. I fell many times, and was unable to get up. More than anything, I mourn the loss of my ability to walk and to use my arms well. I live in a nursing home, and I sincerely do want to die. And I notice that many of my friends of more or less the same age, law-abiding citizens, wish we could commit suicide after a certain age — without in any way implicating our children or other people we love.
I would consider it a kindness and a privilege if the country allowed me to commit painless suicide. I think there should be a board of qualified physicians and laymen, including the immediate family, to attest to my sanity and the certainty of my wishes, and to the fact that I was not coerced. A period of a month should elapse between my application and the decision, so that my children wouldn’t be implicated in any way. Because it so happens I have very good daughters, who can’t help me in any way with this — my final request.
Shouldn’t there be a way for people like me to determine how they want to die?
PATRIOTIC AND AILING
Ed Koch Replies
Dear Patriotic and Ailing:
I am not a doctor. Nevertheless, I will take a stab at your condition.
You are in a state of depression and require medical assistance. Depression, which can overwhelm you as much as a physical disease, can be treated either with prescription drugs, psychiatry, or both. I believe your treatment would be paid for by Medicare or any private insurance policy.
I am 84 years old and continue to lead a full and productive life. Being productive is key to enjoying the balance of your life as well. If you are still physically able to get around in a wheelchair, then do what you did before entering the nursing home and volunteer your time to a worthy cause. Activity does not necessarily require the use of your legs or arms. Use your voice instead. I would suggest that you assist other needy individuals in your own residence. Helping others and lifting their spirits will help improve yours as well.
With respect to physician-assisted suicide, the states of Washington and Oregon allow terminally ill people who are in extreme pain and are expected to die within six months to take their own lives. Oregon requires you to prove that you are a resident of that state. I’m not familiar with Washington’s requirements.
I went through a state of depression in 1989, which lasted for about a year, when I was mayor of the City of New York. There were times when I could not get out of bed because of my depressed state and cried without reason. Since that time I have had a wonderful life using my time productively and only engaging in activities I enjoy doing. I suggest that you try to do the same. All good luck.
From 1978 to 1989, Edward I. Koch served as the mayor of New York. Koch, the second Jewish mayor in the city’s history, is an author of more than a dozen books, including “The Koch Papers: My Fight Against Anti-Semitism” (Palgrave, 2008), written with Rafael Medoff. A longtime advocate of Catholic-Jewish dialogue and relations, Koch also co-wrote “His Eminence and Hizzoner” (William Morrow, 1989) with the late John Cardinal O’Connor. The former mayor is a partner at the Manhattan law firm Bryan Cave.
Send a letter to the Bintel Brief at bintelbrief@forward.com. Questions selected for publication will be printed anonymously.
April 7, 2009, 12:28pm
Former Mayor Ed Koch Has Some Advice for Forward Readers
By The Bintel Brief
Edward I. Koch, the 105th mayor of New York — and the city’s second Jewish mayor — will be the Forward’s next guest Bintel Brief advice columnist.
Koch, 84, is an author of more than a dozen books, including, most recently, “The Koch Papers: My Fight Against Anti-Semitism” (Palgrave, 2008), written with Rafael Medoff. A longtime advocate of Catholic-Jewish dialogue and relations, Koch also co-wrote “His Eminence and Hizzoner” (William Morrow, 1989) with the late John Cardinal O’Connor. The former mayor is a partner at the Manhattan law firm Bryan Cave.
New installments of the Bintel Brief, featuring Koch responding to readers’ questions, will be posted Mondays at www.forward.com, beginning Monday, April 13. If you have a question for the Bintel Brief, e-mail bintelbrief@forward.com. Questions selected for publication are printed anonymously.
March 29, 2009, 5:43pm
The Toll of Traveling With a Toddler
By Jeffrey Zaslow
Dear Mr. Zaslow,
My husband, toddler son and I left New York for Washington about a year ago. My relatives are in Atlanta; his are back in New York. Since we are close to both sets of parents, we travel very frequently to Atlanta or New York. We go to Atlanta two or three times a year, and to New York about six times a year.
This frequent weekend travel is taking its toll on all of us, especially the New York trips. My husband’s mother in New York is an expert at piling on the Jewish guilt about how she misses us and her grandson. This woman lives for her grandchildren, and to be fair, she also visits us every couple of months. But she doesn’t have a toddler in tow or a full-time job. In the past, when we have canceled a trip, she has gotten very upset.
Should we keep going six times a year to appease her? Or should we put our foot down and go less frequently?
TRAVELING WITH TODDLER
Jeffrey Zaslow Replies:
Dear Traveling:
It was easier when we all were back in the shtetl, wasn’t it? Our mothers-in-law were living a few houses down, and were always there for babysitting or kvelling or telling us exactly how we should raise our children because they knew everything and we knew nothing.
On second thought, there are benefits to a little modern-day distance.
It sounds as if you appreciate how much your mother-in-law loves your son and wants to be with him. Tell her you are thrilled that she is a loving presence in your son’s life, but also speak frankly about the hassles of travel, the responsibilities of your job, etc. If she’s a healthy, able-bodied grandmother, maybe you can buy her a couple of plane or train tickets so that she can come to you in Washington a bit more often.
As your son gets older, you’ll find traveling with him to be easier. And you’ll be grateful for the bond he has established with his grandmother. It will likely serve him well in life.
Jeffrey Zaslow writes about life transitions as The Wall Street Journal’s “Moving On” columnist. Alongside the professor Randy Pausch, Zaslow wrote “The Last Lecture,” a best-selling book based on an uplifting lecture Pausch gave after having been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. The book has been on The New York Times’ Best-Sellers list for 50 weeks.
Send a letter to the Bintel Brief at bintelbrief@forward.com. Questions selected for publication will be printed anonymously.
March 23, 2009, 10:31am
A JDate Love Triangle
By Jeffrey Zaslow
Dear Mr. Zaslow:
About two months ago, I sent a message to a woman on JDate whom I was very interested in. I didn’t hear back from her, and in the meantime I began dating an ex-girlfriend again.
Recently, the woman from JDate e-mailed me, expressing interest and apologizing. She explained that she could not send me an email earlier because, until now, she did not have a paid subscription to the online dating site. I replied, reiterating my interest, but telling her that I am back together with an ex-girlfriend and would not feel right about pursuing someone else. She took it well and wished me luck.
Now, I know that I’m not going to stay with my ex-girlfriend, and would like to ask out this woman. Is it appropriate? How long should I wait? What should I say to her so it does not look like I’m “rebounding,” which I am definitely not?
PERPLEXED JDATER
Jeffrey Zaslow Replies:
Dear Perplexed:
How long should you wait?
Well, you can wait until you’re finished reading my response, but there’s no need to wait any longer than that.
Life is short, my friend. Shoot straight with this woman, tell her things didn’t work out with your ex, and ask if she’d still like to get together. If you want to reassure her that this is no rebound, then sure, you could do that very casually.
That’s all you have to do. She’ll understand and she’ll likely welcome your return into her orbit.
Just make sure that when you go on your first date with her, you don’t spend it talking about your ex.
Jeffrey Zaslow writes about life transitions as The Wall Street Journal’s “Moving On” columnist. Alongside the professor Randy Pausch, Zaslow wrote “The Last Lecture,” a best-selling book based on an uplifting lecture Pausch gave after having been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. The book has been on The New York Times’ Best-Sellers list for 49 weeks.
Send a letter to the Bintel Brief at bintelbrief@forward.com. Questions selected for publication will be printed anonymously.
March 15, 2009, 10:07pm
Help! My Adult Daughter's a Schnorrer
By Jeffrey Zaslow
Dear Mr. Zaslow:
I raised three daughters in a nice middle-class, haimish home. My youngest daugher is a real schnorrer — a cheapskate.
She flaunts her frugality. Her home furnishings are “dumpster décor,” and sometimes, she’ll go to Costco and eat her lunch by sampling food served by the various demonstrators. Recently she told me, “Forget about dry cleaning a dress; that costs more than $8. I just donate it to the Salvation Army. They launder it, dry clean it, and I buy it back for two bucks!”
Is there something wrong with being so cheap, or his her extreme lack of materialism something that should be commended — especially in these difficult economic times?
MOTHER OF A SCHNORRER
Jeffrey Zaslow Replies
Dear Mother,
I wish I had gotten your letter earlier. My wife and I recently hosted our daughter’s bat mitzvah. We didn’t realize we could have bused everyone to Costco for the hors d’oeuvres hour!
Seriously, though, your adult daughter’s frugality is her business, even if it may be bordering on an obsession. You may, however, want to lightly remind her that sometimes, there are ethical issues involved.
For instance, it likely costs The Salvation Army more than $2 to clean her dress. Monetary donations allow the organization to maintain low prices and serve those in need. So your daughter is taking advantage of a system designed to help disadvantaged people clothe their families. If you gingerly explain it in that light, your daughter may agree that she doesn’t want to indulge her own thriftiness if it negatively impacts others.
Our society’s materialism is at the root of many of our economic problems today. So yes, your daughter’s instincts to live a simpler life should be commended. But she ought to recalibrate when she finds herself combining frugality with freeloading.
Jeffrey Zaslow writes about life transitions as The Wall Street Journal’s “Moving On” columnist. Alongside the professor Randy Pausch, Zaslow wrote “The Last Lecture,” a best-selling book based on an uplifting lecture Pausch gave after having been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. The book has been on The New York Times’ Best-Sellers list for 48 weeks.
Send a letter to the Bintel Brief at bintelbrief@forward.com. Questions selected for publication will be printed anonymously.
March 8, 2009, 10:06pm
Should We Invite My Alzheimer's-Stricken Mother to Our Son's Upcoming Bar Mitzvah?
By Jeffrey Zaslow
Dear Bintel Brief:
Our son’s bar mitzvah is rapidly approaching, and we still are not sure what to do. My mother, who lives in a far away state, has Alzheimer’s and it will be very discombobulating for her and her aide to travel to us. Moreover, my mom won’t remember the event even a few minutes after it has occurred. While she’s here, she will wonder where she is and what’s going on.
Yet every time we talk on the phone, she asks (several times), “How old is my grandson?” And when I tell her, “Twelve,” she immediately says, “Well, is there a bar mitzvah coming up? I hope I’m invited!” It’s very strange, since she was always anti-religion.
My question for you: Should we try to bring my mom out here anyway, knowing that she will be confused the whole time and require a lot of attention? And if we don’t bring her out, what do we tell her when she asks, “Didn’t he have a bar mitzvah?”
CONFUSED IN NEW YORK CITY
Jeffrey Zaslow replies:
Dear Confused,
Have you spoken to your son about this dilemma? It’s possible that he will provide a heartfelt and logical response.
I shared your letter with my daughter Eden, who recently celebrated her bat mitzvah. The answer was very clear to her. She said that unless your mom’s health leaves her physically unable to make the trip, then she should be welcomed. Some part of your mom yearns to be involved in the bar mitzvah, Eden said, because she keeps asking about it.
Eden pointed out that photos will be taken, and years from now, all of you will be glad to see your mom alive and smiling in those pictures.
Also, even if it is a challenge to look after your mom at the service and celebration, those who love her will likely do so graciously, especially on such a special day.
Eden’s answer was immediate and obvious to her. If your son feels the same way, have your mom attend. The day will come when you will be very grateful you made this decision.
Jeffrey Zaslow writes about life transitions as The Wall Street Journal’s “Moving On” columnist. Alongside the professor Randy Pausch, Zaslow wrote “The Last Lecture,” a best-selling book based on an uplifting lecture Pausch gave after having been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. The book has been on The New York Times’ Best-Sellers list for 47 weeks.
Send a letter to the Bintel Brief at bintelbrief@forward.com. Questions selected for publication will be printed anonymously.
February 27, 2009, 5:35pm
Jeffrey Zaslow Has Some Advice for Forward Readers
By The Bintel Brief
Jeffrey Zaslow, a Wall Street Journal columnist and the co-author of “The Last Lecture,” will be the Forward’s guest Bintel Brief columnist, answering reader questions during the month of March.
When he was 28, Zaslow beat out 12,000 other applicants to replace the high priestess of advice, Eppie Lederer (a.k.a. Ann Landers), as The Chicago Sun-Times’ advice columnist. He dispensed advice for the newspaper from 1987 to 2001. Zaslow went on to become a senior writer and columnist for The Wall Street Journal, writing the “Moving On” column about life’s various transitions.
Alongside the professor Randy Pausch, Zaslow co-authored “The Last Lecture,” a book based on an uplifting lecture Pausch gave after having been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. “The Last Lecture,” published last year, has spent 45 weeks on the New York Times Best-Sellers list.
If you’re facing a challenging transition, if you have a quandary related to a lifecycle event, or if you just could use a little advice from Jeffrey Zaslow, please send your questions for the Bintel Brief to bintelbrief@forward.com. Questions selected for publication will be printed anonymously.
The first installment of the Zaslow’s Bintel Brief will be published on Monday, March 9 at www.forward.com.
February 23, 2009, 8:34am
How Do I Stop My Dad From Feeding Ham to My Kosher Son?
By Ayelet Waldman
Dear Ayelet,
I grew up in a secular home, but now consider myself Modern Orthodox. My husband and I keep a kosher home, but we are less strict about the laws of kashrut out of the house. When we go to my father and stepmother’s house, my 18-month-old son gets string cheese and cut up chicken cutlets together, and one time I saw him eating deli-style ham. This does bother me.
My relationship with my father and stepmother is rocky — and I’m very conscious about picking my battles with them. What’s the best way to tell them to stop?
KOSHER AND QUESTIONING
Dear Kosher:
Your father and his wife are feeding your Orthodox child ham? Oy. Look, I’m as impatient with the laws of kashrut as anyone. (Witness my February 9 response about child labor and glatt kosher turkeys.) But while I have not infrequently been tempted to lie about the origins of poultry, I’ve never actually done it.
Let’s for the moment assume that your father and stepmother’s actions don’t come from a place of deep hostility and are, instead, simply misguided. Maybe he doesn’t consider your adoption of a stricter practice of Judaism as a reproach of his own lack of observance. Maybe he isn’t convinced that you’re doing this as a passive-aggressive way to get back at him for your parents’ divorce. Maybe he just figures “out of the house” includes at Grandma and Grandpa’s (I’m guessing these folks aren’t going by Zayde and Bubbe). If your child’s observance of kashrut is important to you, then I think you just have to ask your father very sweetly if he would refrain from feeding your son non-kosher food. Tell him you don’t want to inconvenience him — make a self-deprecating remark about how you know it’s a pain in the tush — and offer to send food along with the boy if that would make things easier.
Expect him to get annoyed, but hopefully your gentle and loving tone will preclude him from expressing the extent of his irritation to you. He’ll complain to his wife, which is at it should be.
By the way, you can probably bet that in about 14 years your son, while on a lunch date with his now-aged grandfather, will order a bacon cheeseburger. Grandpa will turn a blind eye, and you’ll never the wiser. But 15 1/2 isn’t 18 months, and by then your son will be fully inculcated with your value system, and whether or not he keeps kosher in his life will have nothing to do with what you think, or what Grandpa thinks, or even with what’s on the menu at EJ’s Luncheonette.
Ayelet Waldman is the author of the novels “Daughter’s Keeper” and “Love and Other Impossible Pursuits.” She also penned seven installments of the “Mommy-Track Mystery” series. Her non-fiction book “Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace” will be published in May by Doubleday. Her Web site is www.ayeletwaldman.com.
Send a letter to the Bintel Brief at bintelbrief@forward.com. To read more installments of the Bintel Brief, click here.
February 15, 2009, 11:35am
Coming Clean About JDate
By Ayelet Waldman
Dear Ayelet,
For the past year, I’ve been dating a man I met on JDate. I’d venture to say that he’s “the one” — and we’re already talking about engagement, marriage, children (hopefully in that order). Here’s the thing: We haven’t been honest with most of our friends and even some of our family members — including his parents and older sister — about how we met. Now, I know that many, many happy couples meet on JDate and that the stigma of online dating is almost nonexistent these days. But it has always felt more comfortable for us to tell people that we met “through a mutual friend” than to tell them that we met online.
Our white lie has become problematic when the question of how we met comes up when we’re with a group of people — some whom we have told the truth, and some whom we have told the “mutual friend” story. Is it okay to keep up the ruse? Or should we just come clean to those we have deceived? And, if so, how should we explain to them our decision to lie in the first place?
CLOSET JDATER
Dear Closet JDater,
What are you embarrassed about? That you and your boyfriend met on JDate or that you resorted to it in the first place? Either way, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone does it nowadays. How are you supposed to meet someone? No one has any money left for going out, and your synagogue hasn’t had a singles mixer since it lost its endowment to Bernie Madoff. JDate’s all that’s left.
No one will think less of you for using JDate, but they might be a little confused by your failure to admit it. I always tell my kids that keeping a secret gives other people power over you. If you tell the truth about yourself, if you own your own story, then no one can use it against you. You need to come clean. It might be awkward to admit that you deceived your friends and family, but the solution is to confess your embarrassment. Be honest about it. “You know that mutual friend we told about? Ha ha ha, we were embarrassed to admit it, but his first name is J and his last name is Date.” Or something like that. Just laugh at yourself, and people will love you.
You need to embrace the romance of this story! You were feeling unlucky in love, a trail of schlemiels in your past, and so on a whim you registered for JDate. And there he was — your bashert — waiting for you. What a great, contemporary love story. Just think of the wedding toasts it will inspire.
Ayelet Waldman is the author of the novels “Daughter’s Keeper” and “Love and Other Impossible Pursuits.” She also penned seven installments of the “Mommy-Track Mystery” series. Her non-fiction book “Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace” will be published in May by Doubleday. Her Web site is www.ayeletwaldman.com.
Send a letter to the Bintel Brief at bintelbrief@forward.com. To read more installments of the Bintel Brief, click here.
February 9, 2009, 2:37am
Help! Our 6-Year-Old Son Is More Observant Than We Are
By Ayelet Waldman
Dear Ayelet,
My husband and I send our 6-year-old son to a private, Jewish school that is significantly more traditionally observant than we are. It is important to us that our son have a good Jewish foundation, and he loves the school he attends. However, now he’s coming home wanting to do things that we are not interested in doing — like saying blessings over every snack and meal that we eat.
How do we tell our son that this is not something we do (or plan to do) in our house, without dampening his excitement for Judaism or confusing him?
PUZZLED CLASS MOM
Dear Puzzled,
When I was a kid my father once told me that he’d sit shiva for me if I ever became frum. Was he serious? I doubt it. He’s such a deeply committed atheist that he probably wouldn’t sit shiva for me if I died. But the sentiment is clear. My father is from a generation of Jews that was (and still is) deeply suspicious of religious practice. The idea of having to deal with a child’s keeping kosher or refusing to drive on Shabbos made his blood boil. So I recognize your pain (although it sounds like you suffer from a significantly less dogmatic version of it than he). Those of us who like our religious practice in moderation can get a little impatient with other people’s piousness. Witness my near-annual fury at having to eat a kosher, antibiotic-stuffed Thanksgiving turkey “allegedly” slaughtered, plucked and packed by child laborers thousands of miles away— please don’t get me started on the Rubashkins — rather than a fresh, organic, free-range bird, hand-raised on a bucolic farm 10 miles from my house.
But the way I look at it is this: Those of us without strong religious beliefs have to defer to those who have them (unless, of course, those beliefs hurt others). My sister-in-law is a cantor who is committed to the rules of kashrut. My devotion to all things organic, while bordering on the pious (and, if truth be told, the sanctimonious), doesn’t rise to the same level.
Your child feels, for the moment, like he wants to engage in these religious practices, and after all, you made this bed by sending him to a school that taught him to value them. That’s not to say that you yourself have to pray before every snack. You just have to give him the space to do so.
Little kids are notorious for developing manias. You should hear my kindergartner on the subject of Dr. Who. But these manias almost always pass. And until they do, you might even consider closing your eyes and taking 10 seconds of silence before each meal to contemplate the bounty before you, and the pleasure you take in your boy. Who knows, you might be the one who insists that the practice continue long after he loses interest.
Ayelet Waldman is the author of the novels “Daughter’s Keeper” and “Love and Other Impossible Pursuits.” She also penned seven installments of the “Mommy-Track Mystery” series. Her non-fiction book “Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace” will be published in May by Doubleday. Her Web site is www.ayeletwaldman.com.
February 2, 2009, 2:46am
Ayelet Waldman on Encouraging Your Child To Choose a Jewish Spouse
By Ayelet Waldman
Dear Ayelet,
We live in such a great, multi-culti time. I want my school-age children to have friends of every race, creed and color — and so far, they do. On the other hand, I want them to grow up and marry Jews!
Why? Because I love Jews and want our people to continue. I also think it’s easier to be married to someone from your own background. Also, Christmas sweaters? Ugh. But should I even mention this to them? (About marrying Jews, not reindeer sweaters.) If so, when? They are in fifth and seventh grade. I know — not quite what you’d call marrying material at the moment. But I don’t want them to suddenly find out my Jewish hopes and prayers when they hit 25 and are in a serious relationship.
How and when to broach the “nice Jewish spouse” topic?
YOUR TYPICAL, CONFLICTED JEWISH LIBERAL
Dear Conflicted Liberal,
Unless your children are uniquely filial, paragons of devotion, by the time they are old enough to troll the Internet for likely mates, they’ll be paying about as much attention to your Jewish hopes and prayers as they will to the Jonas Brothers. I love my parents, but did I care about their Jewish hopes and dreams when I dated the Guatemalan revolutionary? Or when I attended Mass with the Catholic who had worked out a deal with God that premarital sex was acceptable, but only if confessed weekly and enjoyed little? Did my husband care about his parents’ Jewish hopes and dreams when he married the shiksa who kept him busy while he waited for me? Not in the slightest.
The fact is that what you feel about intermarriage isn’t going to be relevant to your children, except insofar as they weigh the relative costs and benefits of introducing you to their boyfriends and girlfriends. They might care enough to lie to you, but honestly, who wants that?
Which isn’t to say that you don’t have any role to play in perpetuating the Jewish race. Rest assured there’s plenty you can and should do. What’s going to influence your children’s decisions, what will lead them to JDate rather than eHarmony, is not what you want for them, but what they want for themselves. The Jewish hopes and dreams that you can and should nurture are theirs.
The way I like to think about it is that Judaism is a gift we give our children. We try to include in our lives meaningful Jewish experiences. The fact that I ultimately chose to marry a Jew — and that his Judaism was no small part of the attraction I felt — had a lot more to do with the years I spent in Jewish summer camp than with my parents’ desires. As a child I suffered through Hebrew school (enough to drive most children from the arms of their co-religionists), but I also learned Israeli dancing and wept to the lyrics of “Eli, Eli” with the other hysterical teenagers in my bunk at Camp Ramah. I spent a year in Israel on kibbutz (not something I’d recommend, unless you have a deep desire to see your daughters acquire too familiar an understanding of the psychology and physiology of the average Israeli paratrooper). I joined youth groups. I watched Woody Allen movies and read Mordechai Richler. My parents gave me the gift of a childhood steeped in Yiddishkeit and Jewish experiences, and so when the time came for me to choose a mate, I chose someone with whom I could make a similar kind of family.
So, don’t hock your children about whom they should marry. Don’t burden them with your expectations. Just give them a happy, haimish life. (I know, I know: It’s easier said then done. But I can tell you’re up to the task.) And trust them to make the decisions that are best for them.
Ayelet Waldman is the author of the novels “Daughter’s Keeper” and “Love and Other Impossible Pursuits.” She also penned seven installments of the “Mommy-Track Mystery” series. Her non-fiction book “Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace” will be published in May by Doubleday. Her Web site is www.ayeletwaldman.com.
Send a letter to the Bintel Brief at bintelbrief@forward.com. To read more installments of the Bintel Brief, click here.
January 14, 2009, 1:04am
Bintel Brief: Advice and Other Possible Pursuits — Ayelet Waldman Answers Your Questions
By Bintel Blog
We are delighted to announce that writer Ayelet Waldman will be the Forward’s next guest Bintel Brief advice columnist — answering reader questions during the month of February.
Waldman inspired passionate debate (and an episode of “Oprah”) when she declared, in a New York Times essay, that she loves her husband more than she loves her children. That piece, and the response to it, paved the way for her forthcoming non-fiction book, “Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace.”
She is the author of the novels “Daughter’s Keeper” and “Love and Other Impossible Pursuits” — the latter of which is being made into a movie starring Natalie Portman. Waldman also penned seven installments of the “Mommy-Track Mystery” series, about a stay-at-home mother who moonlights as a crime-solving detective.
Waldman’s personal essays have appeared in the Guardian, Vogue, Elle, and New York, among other publications. A mother of four, she is married to Pulitzer Prize-winning author Michael Chabon and lives in Northern California.
If you’re facing a parenting challenge, struggling to balance work and family, desperate to overcome writer’s block, or if you just could use a little advice from Ayelet Waldman, please send your questions for the Bintel Brief to bintelbrief@forward.com. Questions selected for publication will be printed anonymously.
May 22, 2008, 5:58pm
Bintel Brief: Rabbi Shmuley Boteach Says Self-Satisfaction ‘Is Not the Solution’
By Rabbi Shmuley Boteach
Dear Rabbi Boteach,
The issue that I need help with is as follows: I have been married for two years, and my wife complains that I don’t last long enough. Now, it has reached a point where she doesn’t want to have sex anymore because she says it’s not worth her while.
I realize that I may have a premature ejaculation problem, but I don’t know how to cure it. She suggests that I masturbate say an hour or two beforehand so that I will last longer during the act, but this seems problematic to me from a halachic point of view. On the other hand, one has to satisfy his wife, too. This has led to tension between us as she says I am choosing halachic doctrines over her, etc.
Are there leniencies in cases such as this? Are there other methods of solving the problem? What advice or help can you offer?
I have read some of your books and think it’s great that you have written about such topics. It’s truly difficult to speak to a “regular” rabbi about these issues.
Thanks in advance.
STICKY SITUATION
Rabbi Boteach replies:
March 25, 2008, 1:54am
Bintel Brief: Shoshanna Rikon on How To Help Singles — on the Sly
By Shoshanna Rikon
Dear Shoshanna,
I’m a rabbi, and I’m working with my local Jewish community center to form a singles group. There are a lot of singles in our community, and we’re concerned about the escalating intermarriage that goes on.
We want to develop some programming to attract Jewish singles so that they can meet each other and socialize — and maybe, from there, relationships will form. We’re thinking of targeting those between the ages of 40 and 60, people who have never been married and those who have been married but do not have a partner anymore.
It’s very difficult for singles. Many of them are dissatisfied with the singles events and groups that currently exist in our area. I think that many of the people who go to such events feel intimidated. If they’ve gone once, they come back a year later and they see the same people. They basically receive a lot of negativism and are turned off.
We want to create a more attractive environment. Do you have any ideas how we can accomplish this? Your guidance would be greatly appreciated.
ASPIRING CUPID
Shoshanna Rikon replies:
March 17, 2008, 7:18pm
Bintel Brief: Shoshanna Rikon Says Not All Skeletons Should Be Left in the Closet
By Shoshanna Rikon
Dear Shoshanna,My boyfriend rarely asks me anything about past affairs, which is fine by me. But I’m wondering if I’m obliged to divulge some facts nonetheless.
The problem is that one of our best couple friends includes a man with whom I had a brief affair several years ago — well before I met my boyfriend. This other friend and I remain close, but I’m no longer interested in him sexually or romantically in the least, and so I hesitate to tell my boyfriend about it. I don’t want the friendship made awkward by the past and, more importantly, I don’t want to hurt my boyfriend needlessly. I get the impression that the girlfriend of my old fling also knows nothing of our affair.
Should I tell my boyfriend about my history with this friend? Or is it better to keep quiet about it?
MUM’S THE WORD?
Shoshanna Rikon replies:
March 10, 2008, 5:13pm
Bintel Brief: Shoshanna Rikon Says ‘Concentrate on What Is in Front of You’
By Shoshanna Rikon
Dear Shoshanna,
I recently broke up with my girlfriend of many years, which was a tough, but correct, decision. While we were dating, I considered breaking up with her over a woman for whom I can only describe my feelings as intoxicating (the reason why I didn’t was because I was going to move away shortly). Then, the other night, I randomly ran into this woman and, though I thought the feelings were long gone, they reappeared almost instantly. I didn’t make a move that night, but I believe based on her body language and our conversation that there are at the very least residual feelings on her part as well. My problem? At the night’s end, she told me two things: 1) I have a boyfriend, and 2) don’t be a stranger. Is she sending me deliberately mixed messages, or am I simply misreading things entirely?
SIGNALS CROSSED
Shoshanna Rikon replies:
March 3, 2008, 6:45pm
Bintel Brief: Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Give Me Advice
By Bintel Blog
Shoshanna Rikon is a Jewish cupid. The founder of Shoshanna’s Matches, Rikon works to create love connections for Jewish singles in the New York tri-state area. Her work as an old-fashioned matchmaker in the town that gave the world “Sex and the City” has caught the attention of media outlets ranging from The New York Times to the Forward and landed her on “Dr. Phil” and VH1.
For the month of March, Rikon will be moonlighting as Forward’s guest Bintel Brief columnist. While she won’t be making matches (for that, you’d have to join Shoshanna’s Matches), she will be engaging in an equally venerable Jewish tradition: giving advice!
Do you have a question about love, life or loss? Do you have a dating dilemma or a Jewish conundrum? Could you use a little advice?
Send your questions for the Bintel Brief to bintelbrief@forward.com. Questions selected for publication are printed anonymously.
Check the Forward’s Web site Mondays in March for new installments of the Bintel Brief, featuring matchmaker Shoshanna Rikon.
To read previous installments of the Bintel Brief, click here. To read vintage Bintel Briefs and learn more about the column’s storied history, click here.
January 28, 2008, 11:25pm
Bintel Brief: Lisa Loeb Says Honesty Is the Best Policy
By Lisa Loeb
Dear Lisa,
Not too long ago, a friend set me up on a blind date. Being a very shy person, I was naturally a bit nervous. But the guy was perfectly nice, and we had a pleasant conversation. There was no chemistry between us, however, which I recognized at the time, and so I planned to pursue it no further. Nevertheless, I left the evening somewhat encouraged because it was my first date in quite some time, and it wasn’t a painfully awkward experience — we managed to find things to talk about for a few hours and closed the evening on a friendly note. I told my friend that I appreciated the set-up.
Within the next day or so, I received an e-mail from the date. Though the e-mail was in theory a nice note — he was following up on some music suggestions I had mentioned — he also made a point to say that maybe we could hang out again sometime “as friends.” Now this, to me, was infuriating, like he was beating me to the rejection punch or something.
I had not contacted him, and so apparently his purpose in writing was to convey that he was not interested. Before receiving this e-mail, I felt there was no need for rejection until a second date was proposed. Was I wrong about that? Was there any way I could have saved face in my response to him and conveyed that the rejection was mutual without simply sounding like sour grapes?
Thanks for your thoughts on this matter.
BEATEN TO THE PUNCH
Lisa Loeb replies:
January 21, 2008, 10:11pm
Bintel Brief: Lisa Loeb Says Why Not Go for Coffee?
By Lisa Loeb
Dear Lisa,
I recently signed up for J-Date. But I have trouble with this whole casual meet-lots-of-people thing. Here is why I’m bad at J-Date: I hate being ignored, and I can’t ignore people.
For instance, this one guy instant-messaged me. I didn’t answer. Then he e-mailed me. Then he e-mailed me again. Finally, I just felt so bad for not responding that I wrote back. And now he’s asked me out. He seems like a nice guy, but I’m pretty sure from his profile and our correspondence that we wouldn’t be a romantic match.
So now, instead of feeling bad for ignoring him, I feel bad that I’ve misled him. Should I agree to meet him, while being honest that I don’t think we would work out other than in a friend capacity? Do people meet with the intention of friendship? Is there some sort of J-Date protocol book?
RELUCTANT J-DATER
Lisa Loeb replies:
January 14, 2008, 6:03pm
Bintel Brief: Lisa Loeb Says Don’t Call Your Daughter’s Boyfriend a ‘Parasite’
By Lisa Loeb
Dear Lisa,
My daughter, a beautiful, brilliant college graduate with a law degree and a good job is about to become engaged to a Chabadnik (who, by the way, has no job except for being what I call a lay “Jew for Moses” with Chabad).
It’s obvious that if she marries this parasite, she will become a second-class citizen and a baby factory, and I’ll never have any contact with my grandchildren, because, while we are proud Jews, we aren’t kosher and obviously don’t keep all the Shabbat commandments. (Don’t tell me I’m wrong. I’ve had other friends whose kids have drunk the Orthodox Kool Aid — this is what happens.)
How do I let her know my feelings? And don’t tell me to keep quiet! Frankly, I’d rather she married a gentile than a borderline Hasidic Jew.
FATHER KNOWS BEST
Lisa Loeb replies:
January 7, 2008, 6:12pm
Bintel Brief: Lisa Loeb Has Some Advice for You
By Bintel Blog
Lisa Loeb first tugged on America’s heartstrings in 1994 with her chart-topping single “Stay (I Missed You).” Since then, the Grammy-nominated singer-songwriter with the signature eyeglasses has been turning out albums of sweet pop gems. In 2006, she released “The Very Best of Lisa Loeb.”
Last year, Loeb also starred in her own E! TV reality series, “#1 Single,” which followed her as she looked for love. Now she is revisiting her roots with a double-disc reissue of her 1992 debut “The Purple Tape,” featuring original acoustic versions of some of her classics.
Having opened her heart to all of us for the past 15 years, Loeb will be giving Forward readers a chance to open up to her. In January, she will be serving as our guest Bintel Brief advice columnist.
Are you wondering how you can achieve your artistic ambitions? Do you have a dating dilemma? Could you use a little advice? Send your questions for the Bintel Brief to bintelbrief@forward.com. Questions selected for publication are printed anonymously.
Check the Forward’s Web site Mondays in January for new installments of the Bintel Brief, featuring Lisa Loeb.
To read previous installments of the Bintel Brief, click here. To read vintage Bintel Briefs and learn more about the column’s storied history, click here.
November 27, 2007, 7:44pm
Bintel Brief: Yitz and Blu Greenberg Peer Across the Denominational Divide
By Yitz and Blu Greenberg
Dear Rabbi and Rebbetzin,
I am a convert to Judaism and have been living a “Conservadox” life for about 15 years. My conversion was traditional, with all of the rites, including hatafot dam brit, immersion and questioning before a beit din [rabbinic court] after a period of about two years of study. However, the rabbi overseeing my conversion was not Orthodox. I want to participate in an Orthodox minyan but face the ethical quandary of maintaining my anonymity with regard to my conversion versus divulging the full details of my conversion to an Orthodox rabbi. I believe my conversion was valid under halacha [Jewish law] and that anyone questioning my status is acting outside the bounds of Jewish tradition. But I also respect the halachic process and would not want to compromise the halachic status of a minyan if the other participants viewed my conversion otherwise.
I have three questions: What are my responsibilities under Jewish law in this case? What are the rights of the Orthodox minyan in questioning my status? And what is more important, Jewish unity or adherence to a legal opinion that is not universally accepted?
MINYAN MAN
Yitz and Blu reply:
November 21, 2007, 7:29pm
Bintel Brief: Blu and Yitz Greenberg Say Don’t ‘Get’ Revenge on Your Ex
By Yitz Greenberg and Blu
Dear Blu and Yitz,
On lawyer’s advice, my (ex-)wife refuses to accept a get (yet the divorce is all her doing), and for over 10 years refuses me regular visits with our children. (The visits are irregular, essentially when she feels like it, on her lawyer’s advice.)
My question is, when she decides she wants a get (i.e., when she meets someone), would it be morally wrong for me to demand my excessive (i.e., excess over “normal”) legal expenses and/or some sort of damages for her improper actions?
My wife and I are observant Orthodox Jews so she would need a get. I obtained the appropriate “dispensation,” but I find the women I date are very apprehensive about me not having visitation and assume something is wrong with me.
GET GELT?
Yitz and Blu reply:
November 13, 2007, 5:49pm
Bintel Brief: Blu and Yitz Greenberg Say ‘Think Twice’ Before Wishing the Kids Had Married Non-Jews
By Yitz Greenberg and Blu
Dear Blu and Yitz,
All of my daughters married Jewish boys. But sometimes I think it might have been better had two of them married non-Jewish boys who would at least have been supportive of their wives trying to bring some form of Judaism into their homes and into the lives of their children.
One of my daughters, to the chagrin of her husband, has enrolled my granddaughter in a Jewish Sunday school, and both attend holiday services. Her husband works on the High Holidays and will put up with attendance at secularized Jewish celebrations. My granddaughter may or may not become a bat mitzvah.
My other daughter informed me that her husband said he has better things to do with his money than to put it into a synagogue and into my other two granddaughters’ religious education. He also does not honor the holidays nor does he attend religious functions other than family events that he is expected to attend. My daughter has made it clear that she will do whatever it takes to keep peace in her home. She did say that she will take the girls, now 6 and 8, to see what Hebrew school is all about, but if they don’t like it, she will not insist they stay. Can you imagine leaving such a decision up to children that age?
Both my sons-in-law are talented, decent men who are good providers. All had bad experiences while being forced to become bar mitzvahed. As far as Judaism is concerned, they have never evolved beyond the age of 11 or 12 and are still angry.
I continue to send my grandchildren holiday greetings, books about holiday celebrations, invitations to celebrations, letters explaining the significant Jewish concepts, etc.
My wife, who is very secular, tells me not to push. But I see my grandchildren and my descendants being deprived of their religious heritage, their Yiddishkeit, and their civilization because of their Jewish fathers who find the faith into which they were born irrelevant to their lives and possibly an unnecessary burden.
I want to make this an issue, and my wife is against it. What do you advise?
FRUSTRATED FATHER
Blu and Yitz reply:
November 6, 2007, 5:40am
Bintel Brief: Yitz and Blu Have Advice for You
By Bintel Blog
This month the Bintel Brief features advice from a Jewish power couple: Blu and Rabbi Irving “Yitz” Greenberg.
Blu was the founding president of the Jewish Orthodox Feminist Alliance. She is the author of “On Women & Judaism” and “How To Run A Traditional Jewish Household,” among other books.
Her husband’s no slouch either. Yitz was the founding president of CLAL - The National Jewish Center for Learning and Leadership and served as the chairman of the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Council. A leading post-Holocaust theologian, he is the author of “The Jewish Way: Living the Holidays,” “Living in the Image of God: Jewish Teachings to Perfect the World” and “For the Sake of Heaven and Earth: The New Encounter between Judaism and Christianity.”
Could you use a little advice? Send your questions for the Bintel Brief to bintelbrief@forward.com. Letters selected for publication will be published anonymously. Check the Forward Web site Mondays this month for new installments of the Bintel Brief with Blu and Yitz Greenberg answering your questions.
To read previous installments of the Bintel Brief, click here. To read vintage Bintel Briefs and learn more about the column’s storied history, click here.
October 29, 2007, 8:26pm
Bintel Brief: The Mamele Suggests a Cure for the Working Mom Blues
By Marjorie Ingall
Dear Mamele,I’m going through a difficult time. My husband is underemployed, and my job is very demanding and consuming. The hardest part is not seeing my kids as much as I’d like. And when stay-home mothers from my largely affluent suburb want to make small talk about their recent trip to Turks and Caicos or how they are so overwhelmed — though they have no jobs — with the task of adding a sunroom to their house or planning their child’s bar mitzvah, I want to clock them. I used to be a nice, patient person, and I would like to be again. In truth, I know I have many blessings, including a gorgeous rental home, two happy and healthy children, and a supportive family. But creeping bitterness makes me unable to do the suburban schmooze, and I don’t want to be that way.
Cranky in Connecticut
The Mamele replies:
October 24, 2007, 2:25pm
Bintel Brief: The Mamele Says ‘Roasting Is Your Friend’
By Marjorie Ingall
Dear Mamele,
I feel completely inadequate when it comes to holiday celebrations. I’m not such a slouch in the kitchen, but hosting a big holiday meal or Seder for family and friends is something that seems downright terrifying. It’s easy to prepare and bring a homemade dish or a cake to someone else’s home, but so far I haven’t been able to muster any of the kitchen confidence, organization and leadership skills it seems are required to pull the whole thing off single-handedly. It appears so effortless for my mother, the rebbetzin, who seems to have those innate grown-up skills and who becomes an organized cooking machine three weeks before any holiday. And while my rabbi dad is a great role model, those are big shoes to fill. How could I possibly infuse my celebrations with the same killer combination of dynamism and knowledge? Is there such a thing as a feminist “balabusta”? And how do I create my own versions of Jewish celebrations (I have small kids) with pride and not fear?
HELPLESS ON HOLIDAYS
The Mamele replies:
October 15, 2007, 10:28pm
Bintel Brief: The Mamele Advises an Alaskan Fisherman Living in Hasidic Borough Park
By Marjorie Ingall
Dear Mamele,
Hi. I’m a goy from Alaska who just moved to Borough Park. Before I moved here, I may have been the only logger/fisherman who read Isaac Singer, Martin Buber, Rabbi Nachman, Potok, Ansky and others. Now, I guess I expected my Hasidic neighbors to be Gimpels, thieves, louts, dipsomaniacs or kabbalistic meshugene. But I’m ignored by them. I love Yiddish and Jewish culture! Could it be the tattoos on my neck and head that keep my Hasidic neighbors at arms length? If so, how to approach them? I’m a nice fella; I just don’t look it.
Goy in the Hood
The Mamele replies:
October 8, 2007, 6:35pm
Bintel Brief: The Mamele Helps With the Housework
By Marjorie Ingall
Dear Mamele,
This is a complicated question, so I will ask it at length.
What is an equitable division of housework?
Does it entail doing exactly one-half of the housework, even if a large part of that housework seems to one to be fetishistic make-work, of no use or interest to anyone but the person who does it? Is one obliged, as a husband, to accept unquestioningly one’s wife’s definition of a decent house? If not, how does one arrive at a reasonable agreement about what a clean and orderly house should look like?
My wife and I have worked this out, mostly, by rubbing up against one another until we wore each other into shape, but it was rough there for a while. It seems to be rough for everyone.
Also, what is a Bintel?
CHORE WAR
The Mamele replies:
October 1, 2007, 8:16pm
Bintel Brief: Ask the Mamele
By Bintel Blog
As the Forward’s East Village Mamele columnist, Marjorie Ingall has never been shy about sharing the details of her life with readers — whether she’s discussing pregnancy, potty-training, Jewish holidays or cancer in the family. Now, readers of the Forward can share the details of their lives with her. For the next month, the Mamele will be doing double-duty as our guest Bintel Brief advice columnist.
So why not take advantage of the Mamele’s wide-ranging expertise? Whether the topic is men (Ingall wrote “The Field Guild to North American Males”), sex (she co-wrote a sex-ed book for teenagers, “Smart Sex”), health (she was a health editor for Sassy) or, yes, mothering, the Mamele knows her stuff.
Could you use a little advice? Send your questions for the Bintel Brief to bintelbrief@forward.com. Letters selected for publication will be published anonymously. Check the Forward Web site Mondays this month for new installments of the Bintel Brief with Marjorie Ingall answering your questions.
To read previous installments of the Bintel Brief, click here. To read vintage Bintel Briefs and learn more about the column’s storied history, click here.
September 24, 2007, 8:42pm
Bintel Brief: Catie Lazarus Has the Last Laugh
By Catie Lazarus
Dear Catie,
Sarah Silverman and Sacha Baron Cohen are two of my favorite comedians. Unfortunately, while I enjoy their comedy, I also feel conflicted, because they both can be quite cruel.
Earlier this month, MTV Video Music Awards host Sarah Silverman showed no mercy toward Britney Spears after the pop star’s embarrassing performance on the broadcast. Silverman said of Britney: “She’s 25 years old and she’s already accomplished everything she’s going to accomplish in her life.” And then, as if piling on after an already-humiliating episode weren’t bad enough, Silverman took aim at Britney’s innocent children: “Have you seen Britney’s kids? Oh, my God, they are the most adorable mistakes you will ever see!”
Sacha Baron Cohen can be even worse, as he often targets normal, everyday people. Sure, he sometimes finds deserving targets, such as racists, antisemites and anti-gay bigots. But almost as frequently, his targets are people whose only crime was to show kindness and hospitality to a seemingly clueless Kazakh reporter. I’m thinking of the scene in the “Borat” movie in which Baron Cohen mocks the appearance of a woman who has agreed to participate in a discussion of feminism. Or the time when Borat was welcomed into an unsuspecting home and mocked the hostess’s appearance. These people, of course, wound up as objects of ridicule in a major motion picture.
I confess, I find Silverman and Baron Cohen to be hilarious, even — and sometimes especially — when they’re being mean. They make me laugh. But is laughter the highest value? Does it trump decency, kindness and consideration? Does getting a laugh justify being hurtful toward innocent people? Should I feel guilty for enjoying these two comedians?
LAST LAUGH?
Catie Lazarus replies:
September 17, 2007, 9:23pm
Bintel Brief: Catie Lazarus on a Wild Ride
By Catie Lazarus
Dear Catie,
A short while ago I returned from a trip on a flight into Newark airport. I live in Brooklyn, and as it was late at night and I wanted to get home, I decided to take a cab.
No sooner than I got into the cab did I realize I had taken my life into my own hands — the driver was an old man, visibly in pretty poor control of his own car. I’m pretty sure he was suffering from something like Parkinson’s (his hands were shaky and unsteady), and from his erratic merging it seemed he was having severe difficulty seeing other vehicles, lane lines, etc. in the dark.
I also got the sense (from an extremely ill-advised cell phone conversation I overheard during the ride) that he was fairly poor, that this job was his only means of income.
On the one hand, I’m inclined to report a driver who poses such a hazard to himself, to me and to anyone else on the road who might cross his path. But I worry that this could lead to his effective ruin: How employable could an unhealthy old man, who happens to have limited command of English, be? So I’m really torn: Do I call the cab company to complain?
SHAKEN AND STIRRED
Catie Lazarus replies:
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