A College Grad: Dependent on Dad, Consumed by Guilt
By Mayim Bialik
Dear Bintel Brief:
As a recent college graduate, I feel very lucky — particularly in this economic environment — to have landed a job in a creative and very competitive field. I find my work fulfilling in all respects but one: It simply doesn’t pay enough for me to live even a no-frills existence in New York, where my job is.
Since my workweeks regularly exceed 60 hours, and my job requires me to be “on call” most evening and weekends, seeking out a second job to supplement my meager paycheck does not seem like a realistic option.
My parents are currently giving me around $200 a month to help pay my bills and rent. However, the check inevitably comes with both a nudge from my dad about the importance of self-sufficiency and with a whole lot of self-imposed guilt and frustration that I can’t stand on my own two feet.
I’m embarrassed asking for and accepting handouts from my parents, who paid in full for my education with the reasonable expectation that I’d be paying my own bills after graduation. But I don’t see another way to make ends meet if I am going to stay on what I think is a very promising career path.
What should I do?
DEPENDENT ON DAD
Mayim Bialik replies:
Dear Dependent:
Oy. Gelt with guilt — the saddest kind there is.
As I see it, you can stop taking the money because you cannot deal with the nudges he delivers. But this most likely means stopping the path you are on or drastically shifting your lifestyle to a much more meager living situation and possibly resolving to wearing shmattes, since there will be no money for new clothes. Doesn’t sound good, right?
I would say you ought to humbly and gratefully continue accepting the money, and find a way to deal with the nudges on your own or with the help of a licensed psychotherapist. You can’t change your dad any more than you can change the pull of the tides. It’s his shtick to give grief, and he has been doing it longer than you’ve been aware of it. I promise. Learn how to cope with it by replying with something like: “I know Dad, I’m a freeloader. But at least I’m your loving, adoring, cute freeloader. Got any rugelach in the fridge?” Alternately, a very reasonable “You’re right, Dad. It’s a tough situation and I can’t wait until I am not dependent on you. I love you. Thank you!” might make him back off. Agreeing with your parents really freaks them out. Try it.
As for the “self-imposed” guilt and frustration that you speak of: It’s not yet Yom Kippur; give yourself a break! You are young, you are just starting out, and the financial and geographical circumstances of your life (and a lot of others’) means it is hard to get by. That’s okay. It won’t always be like this and you will have time to thank your parents and repay them. They love you and they really do want you to be happy. I promise.
Mayim Bialik, who starred in 1990s sitcom “Blossom,” is an actress and a neuroscientist. Her Web site is www.mayimbialik.net.
If you have a question for the Bintel Brief, email bintelbrief@forward.com. Selected letters will be published anonymously. New installments of the Bintel Brief, featuring Mayim Bialik, will be published Mondays in September at www.forward.com.
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Ms. Bialik's recommendations are to the point and my be useful. Another point is that as "Dependent" gathers experience in her area of endeavor her salary will increase, probably too slowly, but..)until she is in fact independent. What she has to look forward to in her middle age is that he father and perhaps will be dependent on her for visits and visits with the grandchildren, etc. At that point she will be able to repay them, with interest. A grandfather.
Ms. Bialik's recommendations are to the point and my be useful. Another point is that as "Dependent" gathers experience in her area of endeavor her salary will increase, probably too slowly, but..)until she is in fact independent. What she has to look forward to in her middle age is that he father and perhaps will be dependent on her for visits and visits with the grandchildren, etc. At that point she will be able to repay them, with interest. A grandfather.
I'll second "agreeing with your parents freaks them out". Also if it's just gentle nudging it's ok, just means they care. If it's all out verbal attacks every time cash is given it might be time to say no thank you to the help and figure out a way to strike out on your own.
Wow...I get it. According to Mayim Bialik this father is little more than a kindly old jerk for trying to make (nudge...nudge...) his ADULT...yes, his GROWN-UP daughter responsible for her own life. And maybe...just maybe...she will repay the old man when he is in his dotage...yeah, right! May one suggest another solution to our recent college graduate's vexing problem: If you can't make it in New York baby, make it somewhere else...try Buffalo or Elmira or maybe even Altoona, PA where you may earn less but will at least be able to pay the rent on your own without sucking off of daddy.
It might be good to sit down with your father and, together, talk about your career path. Start thinking about your five-year plan. How long do you see yourself needing money? When might you expect a raise or a promotion, or when might you take this experience and look for another job?
Your dad is probably not just guilting you out of habit; he is concerned about whether you will be able to support yourself in the long run, especially if he is someday not in a position to help. And, he also may feel the crunch of paying this money that he might not have planned to spend, during these tough economic times. Reassuring him that you are on a path to independence will make both of you feel more comfortable. And on the other hand, if you sit down to think about the time frame and realize that you are *not* going to be self-sufficient soon, *you* may want to re-think your goals a bit, try to find a way that you can work in this field that you love and make a living.
best wishes
PS this is also something to talk about with your *boss*. Go find a copy of "Games Mother Never Taught You" or some more recent book aimed at women who want to succeed in business. The approach to take with your boss may be to talk about how your work adds value to the company, and how they've invested time in helping you gain experience which has increased the contribution that you're able to make - and that you need to see that increased contribution reflected in your paycheck so that you can support yourself while continuing to help them make a profit.
I agree (mostly) with Florence Mathews. However, I think she's a littla harsh. For some, it's a lot harder to leave the nest than others. It wasn't until I was in my late 20s that I stopped taking money from my parents.
During my mid-twenties - there were times that I was fully self-supporting and - with that - came an inordinate amount of pride. To make matters worse, my dad was the quintessential enabler. It was a vicious cycle - money, guilt, money, guilt - culminating in depression and substance abuse.
I'm happy to say that - although my father and I are estranged - I am, indeed, fully independant from my parents. I no longer engage in substance abuse. I have a lucrative career in IT. And an appropriate amount of pride in all of it.
Additionally, there is nothing like the feeling of seeing your mom not worry that you aren't going to make it when she's gone.
Maybe that's why parents give the guilt trips. They are just worried about what happens when they're gone.
That's for another article.
David Kaplan
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