Two weeks ago, the rabbis of Lakewood, N.J. called a gathering of female educators to provide words of encouragement in the area of — what else — tznius, or modesty.
Among the many dire tznius issues discussed, the rabbis suggested that women cut their wigs shorter to make them less provocative to — whom else — men.
Following this asifa, or meeting, residents of Lakewood were informed, through a much-publicized and controversial robocall, that the donning of shorter wigs is a surefire way to prevent tragedies:
“After the asifa, for several days there were baruch hashem no Hatzolah [ambulance] calls, which is a historic record. By cutting your sheitels [wigs] shorter, it’s as if you’re giving money to tzedakah [charity]. Hatzolah will have fewer calls and there will be fewer tragedies in Lakewood b’ezras hashem [with God’s help].”
I wasn’t at the asifa, but I received an exclusive report on the event and its aftermath, which I share with you, dear reader:
According to my mole, cutouts of Cosmopolitan and Glamour were distributed, featuring Halle Berry, Jennifer Lawrence and other demure celebrities whose short hairstyles are inspired by our Jewish matriarchs. Apparently there was one cutout of Miley Cyrus, but the rabbis deemed her haircut too boyish and therefore not fully modest by Orthodox standards. (Besides, I hear she was in a twerking pose and the rabbis recalled the cutout for personal use.)
Immediately following the robocall announcement, wig stylists were inundated with calls. “Today, we’re all Halle Berry,” one pious Lakewood stylist said.
Within two days, Hatzolah donated its ambulances to Flatbush, NY, where Orthodox women still wear alluring long wigs.
While writing this column, I was alerted by a reader of the latest announcement from Lakewood rabbis:
“In the spirit of recent events, and after the recent undertaking by the holy women of Lakewood to cut their wigs resulted in record-breaking tragedy-free days, the Vaad [modesty police] of Lakewood is announcing the removal of a terrible, terrible michshol — a spiritual stumbling block,” the robocall said.
“As you know, there are parts of a woman’s body that are noticeable and attractive, even when covered. These offending protrusions cause the eyes of men to drift downwards and to stay there staring for infinity. Our committee of male volunteers spent a lot of time closely examining the issue from every direction and angle, and have come to a definitive conclusion that since these body parts are front and center, and are sometimes unfortunately quite out there (obviously a design flaw), that action MUST be taken. Over the next few weeks, the committee will examine photos of all women’s chests in order to provide a conclusive guide of ‘acceptable’ and ‘un-tznius’ chests. Those who find themselves with ‘un-tznius’ chests will be expected to either be in the streets only during women’s hours, or to take steps to reduce their unfortunate endowments.
“Following this initial announcement, the committee will release a detailed illustrated guide (to be viewed only by women and members of the Vaad), with rules as follows: If your chest is a size Aleph or Beis, then you may appear in public in a housecoat or duster. If you have a size Gimmel, then you must wear a coat or jacket over your duster, lest men see any curves. For those with a Daled, — or god forbid a Double Daled — you may not attend shul at all, even one with a mechitza [partition], since it will draw males outside at time of dismissal. I hear that since the second robocall, all the crying babies of Lakewood stopped their fretting.
“If we continue on this path of tznius, we are guaranteed to welcome Mashiach [messiah] soon,” the robocall said.