Women, have your husbands snuffed out your libidos? Do you feel like you no longer need to pursue beauty, wit, insight, creativity and personal sensuality because your lazy-ass husband flips through the TV stations and stumbles into bed after his nightly dose of porn and afternoon office sex with his mistress? Do you feel that the vows you made with HIM to lust for each other in sickness and in health are violated now that you’ve left your parents’ loving home and your beauty isn’t overwhelming anyone?
If you or someone you know is experiencing similar sexual famine, look no further than the self-proclaimed guru of women’s sensuality, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, or as I like to call him, Shmuley Botox. Rabbi Botox is the world-acclaimed author of the New York Times Bestseller “Kosher Sex: A Recipe for Passion and Intimacy” and has now penned a profound and potentially earth-shattering essay on Huff and Post titled “What Women Really Want: A Rabbinical Guide to What a Woman Needs and Desires.”
“Women are not looking just for love in a marriage,” Botox wrote. “They are primarily looking for lust… This is what a woman thirsts to hear more than anything: ‘I desire you. I want to be physical with you. Your beauty is overwhelming to me. I cannot control myself around you. I find myself thinking about you constantly and I have to have you — I don’t care what the consequences are. I don’t care if we don’t go to sleep tonight and we have to get the kids to school in the morning; there are no physical considerations that can suppress my desire for you.’ That’s what women want and need to hear; that’s what will melt a woman, because it taps into her core desire. A husband who approaches a woman without wooing her is not likely to get much of a response, because he hasn’t addressed her core need.”
Spot on, Rabbi! Women get married because they want their husbands to lose control. Married women desire only men who know how to tap their cores and melt them. Women get married because they hate to sleep and want to be ravished at every hour, as if by Christian Grey in “Fifty Shades of Baloney.”
American wives, Rabbi Botox Guru continues, are “relegated to the roles of caretaker, wage earner, housekeeper, and waitress… Many husbands subconsciously snuff out their wives’ libidos. They sexually extinguish their women, all but guaranteeing that the men themselves will have to turn to porn, affairs, or fantasy for their own erotic thrills. A man complains that his wife is no longer interested in sex, all the while transforming her from a woman into a maid and from a mistress and lover into the mother of his children.”
A woman’s sexuality doesn’t exist apart for her husband doing his part to awaken it. The proof is in the marital pudding: the day-to-day monotony of caretaking, housekeeping, parenting and wage-earning forces husbands to seek out other erotic thrills to quench their uncontrollable animalistic urges. Let’s be honest: wives who busy themselves with domestic nonsense like cooking and cleaning and tending to their children are less desirable to men, just like men who busy themselves with women’s work are less desirable to women. Which is why so many husbands married to such boring and domesticated wives turn to the computer and Google “MILF,” and why sensually famished wives look in the mirror and repeat – over and over – “where have my single years and sexual libido gone?”
It is heartening to see a rabbi speak for the ladies and dictate what they desire — or should desire.
Women around the world read your viral (not to be confused with vital) piece and exhaled a collective sigh of relief. They dropped their functional and domestic work, quit their jobs, stashed all the children into boxes labeled “functional” and took off to tap into their lost sensuality. One woman even bothered to annotate your essay, Rabbi Botox, before she joined the others in marital fairyland.
From the bottom of our hearts, we thank you for ending the sexual famine which threatened to kill us all and leave our sorry husbands flipping through the channels and stumbling into bed with the perfectly-nonfunctional Venus.
On July 10, “ravaged” was corrected to “ravished.”